Nick Ortolani
The Hard Times
Somerville, MA, United States
Contact Nick
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Past articles by Nick:
Inspiring! This Man’s Tesla Was Stolen, so We All Chipped in To Make Fun of Him
The road of life is full of ups and downs, peaks and valleys, and other geographical metaphors. When times are tough, it’s imperative that we band together to help one another out. That’s why when this man’s Tesla was stolen, we all chipped in to make fun of him and boost the overall morale of our community. → Read More
Andy Dick Shocked When Emmys “In Memoriam” Segment Displays Date of His Impending Death
Comedian/actor Andy Dick was mortified to see his name displayed during the Emmys “In Memoriam” segment despite being still somewhat alive. → Read More
Stranger Things 5 Delayed Until US Releases Strategic Reserves of 1980s References
Netflix announced that the next season of it’s popular, nostalgia-ridden sci fi epic “Stranger Things” will be delayed until the United States releases its strategic reserves of 1980s references. → Read More
Weird Family Opens Presents Sober
Cass Pollard was shocked this Christmas to discover that their partner’s family apparently opens Christmas presents stone cold sober the entire time. → Read More
Drummer Worried About Job Becoming Automated
Candace Lepetomayne, drummer for industrial band Manufuckturing Sextor, has become increasingly worried that her job will be automated and completed by machines. → Read More
Weed Dealer Released From Prison Unqualified To Work At Dispensary
Recently paroled man for marijuana distribution, Darnell Hudgens, is reportedly encountering challenges obtaining a job in the legal weed industry. → Read More
Metalhead, Canadian Argue Viciously Over Cultural Origins of Denim Vests
Violence nearly erupted following an argument between a local Canadian and a visiting metalhead over the cultural origins of the denim vest. → Read More
Steve From “Blue’s Clues” Sits in Shower After Solving Brutal Murder
Owner and lead investigator of the Blue Prints Detective Agency, Steve, sat down and wept in his shower for several hours after solving a particularly grisly murder case. → Read More
White Guy Cut Off in Traffic Destined to Have Mugshot on News
Local white man Darrell Hargrove raised alarm bells yesterday after a traffic incident led experts to believe his mugshot may soon appear on national news broadcasts. → Read More
“X-Men” Animated Series Just Not the Same Without Parents Fighting in Background
A new report found evidence that the classic ‘90s “X-Men” animated series doesn’t have the same entertainment impact without one’s parents fighting in the background. → Read More
Congress Says “Fuck It,” Lowers Minimum Wage
Democratic members of the U.S. legislature announced that, “Fuck it, we’re gonna lower the minimum wage,” following backlash about the lawmakers’ inaction. → Read More
Economists Warn Raising Minimum Wage Will Impede Americans’ Ability to Be Born Wealthy
Leading economists warned that raising the minimum wage to $15 will severely impede the ability of elite Americans to be born indefensibly wealthy. → Read More
Oh Shit! Negativity Not Welcome Here
Sometimes a political statement comes along that really forces one to rethink their whole world view. While it’s been centuries since Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the church door, that hasn’t stopped countless individuals from following in his footsteps and nailing their various theses to the church doors of our minds. I had no idea my tiny, insignificant life was caught in the orbit of… → Read More
Fourth Matrix Film Set to Shatter Records for Dumbass Dorm Room Philosophy Chats
The upcoming fourth installment of the popular “Matrix” movies is expected to shatter records for dumb, pseduo-philisophical discussions in dorm rooms across the country. → Read More
Study Finds Millions of Thrash Fans Will Qualify for Social Security Next Year
A recent government study indicates that fans of thrash metal will finally be eligible for Social Security benefits in the coming year. → Read More
Lunch Worth More Than Hour of Labor
Pheasant Lane Mall employee Trevor Bennequist clocked out for lunch, only to discover that buying food would cost him more than an hour of his labor. → Read More
We Discussed the Grunge Movement with Seattle Native Frasier Crane
It’s not often that a location becomes synonymous, if even briefly, with a zeitgeist defining artistic movement. Rarer still are the times when such a movement intersects with one of the greatest intellectual renaissances in history. Yet in the early 1990s, a humble northwestern hamlet experienced just that. That’s why we sat down to talk about the grunge movement with Seattle native, Dr.… → Read More
Virgin Hopes Sex Isn’t How It’s Described in Cannibal Corpse Song
Local virgin Andy Wardell grew concerned yesterday that his future sexual intercourse may resemble acts described in Cannibal Corpse songs. → Read More
Parents Announce Plan to Vote for Whoever Appears on TV Last
A boomer-aged couple plans to vote in the upcoming Georgia Democratic primary for the candidate who appears on TV most recently. → Read More
5 Well Paying Jobs Your Parents Probably Have if You’re Voting Third Party
We all know that choosing who to vote for is an unsatisfying, existentially-bleak, and pleasure-devoid bummer. It’s impossible to find any political candidate that caters… → Read More