Celia Rivenbark, StarNewsOnline

Celia Rivenbark


Harkers Island, NC, United States

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Past articles by Celia:

Celia Rivenbark: Feel like organizing and laminating and alphabetizing? Party on, Virgos

It's Virgo's month; time to get organized. And humor columnist Celia Rivenbark tells us how. → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: Who’s the purest Dem of them all ...

Apparently Elizabeth Warren prefers a single can of Old Milwaukee wrested from the bottom of the scratch and dent bin to a glass of fine wine. → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: An offer I hope we can refuse

Hons, I’m as terrified as a clutch of sorority girls hearing about the nationwide shortage of White Claw.Yes, there is fear deep in my marrow because Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Brad Parscale, recently told a group of enthusiastic supporters in California (!) he believes “The Trumps will be a dynasty that lasts for decades.”Great. Measles return and now THIS? (shakes fist at heavens, then… → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: And the winner is

Lost in all the kerfuffle of not buying Greenland, proclaiming to be The Chosen One and callously reneging on a pledge to support background checks for → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: Taking note of a rule to live by

At first, I thought it was an aberration, just a good friend trying to make life easier for me after a festive birthday dinner. Her tone was firm, leaving → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: For Trump, immigration hits home bigly

THE WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The president of the United States today told First Lady Melania Trump she should leave the United States and go back → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: All eyes look north ... to Trump and Kim

Think of the Trump/Kim bromance as the updated version of “An Affair to Remember” and “Sleepless in Seattle.”In “Trump → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: Maybe it really is just a nightmare ...

By Celia Rivenbark D.C. nap rooms? A capital idea “I love to sleep…it’s my favorite.” -- Famous Oval Office Visitor and presidential aspirant Kanye West If you doubt things are getting more stressful in the nation’s capital, consider this country mouse saw her very first “nap studio” during a recent visit to Washington. Located just a short walk from the beleaguered White House and constipated… → Read More

Drain the swamp ... or garbage disposal

Although I almost hate to write this out loud, it’s time to tell “the others” the truth: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is just messin’ with you.I hate to tell you because it’s hilarious when y’all get all high horsey about how “dumb as a box of hammers” the freshman from New York’s 14th Congressional District is because you honestly believe she is terrified of her own garbage disposal.I mean, hell,… → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: When did we start hating teachers?

I was reading the comments attached to a news story about public school teachers staging a rally in my home state of North Carolina (“Come for the No. 34 ranking in nationwide teacher pay; stay for the barbecue”) when it hit me: People really are idiots.Not all of y’all. But I gotta give a shout-out to the laboratory-quality dumbbell who wrote — and I am not making this up — “Teachers is paid… → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: Could Trump's re-election bid be in Jeopardy?

I’m not sure if “Jeopardy!” brainbot James Holzhauer is politically inclined but I’m recruiting him to run against Trump in → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: Turning the political double (standard) play

MEDIA ROUNDTABLE SOMEWHERE IN D.C.Moderator: Ok, everybody, take your seats. I just wanted to huddle up and talk about all this flak we’re taking for not treating women presidential candidates the same as men…Lou Dobbs: Harpies, magpies, she-devils…Moderator: Can someone please take Mr. Dobbs out and get him some pudding? Mika?Mika Brzezinski: Oh, sure. Because I’m the girl. Maybe you need to… → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: White House staff? Who needs 'em?

President Trump, who often exaggerates when it comes to numbers and statistics of the “biggest” or the “most we’ve ever seen” should be believed 100 percent if he brags of having the largest number of open appointments and unfilled vacancies in the highest levels of government.While some presidents might be justifiably concerned about this, Trump is a different kind of cat altogether, admitting… → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: Lost in space ... with nothing to wear

I can’t quite get over how the long-awaited first all-female space walk was casually nixed recently because of…a wardrobe snafu.For quite → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: Meet the douchebag from Dixville

You know what I think about when I picture a typical country club? I envision a sunny second-floor ballroom with a wall of windows, a sumptuous Sunday → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: I'm going to need another cup of coffee ... and maybe some bourbon

Back in the day, a “troll” was a mythical wild-haired creature who lived beneath bridges and spent his days scaring kids and taunting the → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: Advice for progressives

When Sen. Dianne Feinstein, 85, snapped at a group of young climate activists visiting her San Francisco office recently -- “I’ve been doing → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: Not even Methodists can limit God’s amazing grace

It will come as a shock to some of y’all -- the ones who write to tell me I’m going to hell for talking bad about the president and accuse me of being “pro-abortion” (that isn’t a thing, by the way) -- but Duh Hubby and I are longtime United Methodists and have taught Sunday School for a combined 40 years. We love us some Jesus.Duh teaches grown-ups and I taught kids because, well, they’re less… → Read More

CELIA RIVENBARK: Confessions of a white-faced Southerner

Although I was born and raised in the South, I never knew a soul who, in the tortured words of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam, “put shoe polish on my cheeks, not a lot because that’s real hard to get off…” and pretended to be African American.Virginia Attorney General Mark Herring admitted wearing blackface at a party when he was 19 to seem as cool as hip-hop pioneer Kurtis Blow.Jesus, take the… → Read More

OPINION, Celia Rivenbark: Why are U.S. troops being vilified?

I wish I could say I was surprised the five conservative judges on the Supreme Court – Gorsuch, Roberts, Alito, Thomas and Kavanaugh — recently voted to support Trump’s obsession with banning transgender people from military service. In one of probably many 5-4 decisions to come (more liberal judges Ginsberg, Sotomayor, Kagan and Breyer dissented), the conservative justices signaled their… → Read More