Monday Monday
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Past articles by Monday:
Economics majors hold emergency council to address food point inflation
Bellowing drums echo throughout the Duke Chapel, which is packed to the brim. I still can’t believe they rented out the marching band for this. Triumphant yet haunting fanfare resonates through the building, and a grim-faced procession of students walks out onto the stage. Suddenly, a booming voice cuts through the music with one word: “SILENCE.” The music’s echo fades immediately, and the… → Read More
Duke randomly selects one student to be burned, “as penance for the bench we lost”
When one of our benches goes down, the culprits must suffer the wrath of a thousand perfectly sanctioned and marshaled flames. → Read More
I’m CJ Cruz. I’m Monday Monday
This has been my favorite thing that I have done at Duke. I say without an ounce of exaggeration that it has been the honor of my college career to serve as your plague jester. → Read More
Duke basketball season ends after they all just kind of stop feeling like playing
“Playing basketball is, like, really hard,” said player Michael Savarino. “It’s like...sheesh! Y’know?” → Read More
Monday Monday’s rejected Me Too Monologue
The following slam-poetry monologue, entitled “Normalize Camera-Off”, was submitted by Monday Monday to be performed in the Me Too Monologues showcase. It was rejected. → Read More
Wungus hosted the superspreader event
Over the past two years, the ambiguously fictional/satirical social group Wungus has been at the center of a vast web of conspiracies threatening to bring the Duke community to its knees. → Read More
First-year survey: Existential dread edition
This story is not part of a series about the Class of 2024 based on a survey conducted by The Chronicle. → Read More
Forbidden love with a contact tracer
She smiles. I mean, she’s wearing a mask and also a face shield over the mask and also gloves, but I assume she smiles. → Read More
Monday Monday unmasked
It’s been an honor to serve as your plague jester. But I’m tired. I’m ready to hang up the proverbial mascot costume. It stinks in here. And I think the last guy vomited through the eye holes. → Read More
Duke bans men
“I shouldn’t be persecuted just because of my gender! What do these people think I am, a woman?” one man says. → Read More
Vincent Price loves motorcycles, is lukewarm on Black lives
I’ve cornered him into every white man’s worst nightmare: a conversation about motorcycles that turns into a conversation about race politics. → Read More
Monday Monday reveal
As an expert reporter for The Chronicle, I’ve been assigned to hand in my pen, but I’m not ready to do that. → Read More
Duke reveals plans for "Marking the Moment" ceremony
My RA swore I had to follow the dry campus policy, but I could smell the alcohol on their breath through the Oculus’s 5-sense features. → Read More
Stop and smell the roses
There’s a quote that I like from Luke Farrell’s Department Of Interview last year. Department Of asks him, “Fill in the blank: You know you’re a Duke student if...” He responds, “Uh, um, you pretend to be an extrovert.” → Read More
Pass me a Corona: How to cure yourself
Perhaps the hardest part of this pandemic is surviving in quarantine. Toilet Paper is at an all-time low. Please consider using both Tar Heel Shirts and your old midterms to wipe your ass. → Read More
Groundhog predicts six more weeks of YT campaign
These extra six weeks will be torture for all at Duke—and our Instagram followers. → Read More
The Monday Monday Rundown: Inside rush 2020
Treat it like your Facebook feed—scroll through the snippets quickly, accept them as fact and then talk about them in your public policy class as if you’re an expert. → Read More
QUIZ: Can you get to class on an electric scooter without getting injured?
Take this quiz to see if you can get to class on an electric scooter without getting injured. → Read More
Dear Duke, stop being racist toward white people
This week, I decided to give up my column to provide a voice for an anonymous student. Though this student would like to protect his identity, he wants to be sure you all know that he’s “just saying what everyone else is thinking!” → Read More
Words matter
It seems almost fitting that I applied for this column as a joke. After all, isn’t that what satire is? The joke that’s just a little too real, the one that makes people laugh uneasily and start looking for the exits. → Read More