Randall Maynard
Cracked.com
Los Angeles, CA, United States
Contact Randall
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Past articles by Randall:
An Amazon Courier Pooped On A Curb, But Who Do We Blame?
This looks like an act of desperation. → Read More
'CatDog' Lied: Science Says Dogs Could Be Smarter Than Cats
It turns out cartoons lied to us. → Read More
Pizza Hut Introduced A Vegan Pizza. Oh The Humanity.
Not a single one of my vegan or vegetarian friends has ever lectured me about meat. → Read More
Google's Screen Snooper Alert Software Has Dark Potential
I hate screen snoopers. What I do on my phone or computer is between me and my doctor. What are they hoping to catch with their beady little eyes? Do they think they'll see something interesting, like the romantic slashfic between Captain Picard/Mater the truck from Cars that I'm definitely not writing? So, on one level I really like the idea of this anti-snoop scanner Google is making. Above… → Read More
Who Is The Culprit Behind The Sephora Eyeshadow Caper?
Apparently, there was a trail of little glittery footprints in the wake of the eyeshadow attack. → Read More
Affleck Seems To Think It's Ok To Joke About Harassment Now
Powerful men are accustomed to a certain amount of formulaic lenience. → Read More
The BBC Quoted A Hardcore Porn Website's Anti-Trump Tweet
I'm offended by the implication in this article that hardcore porn sites can't have political opinions. TitanMen, whose tweet the BBC cited, describes itself as the purveyor of the "best gay adult entertainment on the planet." That sounds like a company that prides itself on hard work and keeping up with stiff competition. They're as qualified as anyone to offer their firm opinions, with a rigid… → Read More
Pepsi Releases New Salted Caramel Flavor. Uh, You Ok Guys?
Pepsi. Buddy. Sit down. We need to talk. → Read More
McDonald's New Ice Cream Machine App Is Our Salvation
McDonalds has finally released an app to let me know the precise times when their ice cream machines are working. → Read More
Edible Glitter Coffee Is Happening. Don't Get Mad.
You know what? After the 'Rick and Morty' Szechuan sauce debacle, I don't want to hear a single complaint about glitter coffee. → Read More
The Unicode Consortium Is Deciding The Fate Of The Poo Emoji
I knew they existed. I told my friends, my family, everyone. They told me I was being 'paranoid.' → Read More
The Unicode Consortium Is Deciding The Fate Of The Poo Emoji
I knew they existed. I told my friends, my family, everyone. They told me I was being 'paranoid.' → Read More
There's A KFC Scented Bath Bomb Because The Devil Is Real
Listen, you soulless corporate demons. A KFC bath bomb already exists: it's called eating KFC in the bath. Why are you trying to commodify our shame? If I want to smell like soap-drenched chicken, all I have to do is hop in the tub with my family-sized bucked of KFC, turn my rubber ducky away so I can't see his judgmental eyes, and weep as I trade in the last of my dignity for the comfort of… → Read More
What Stupid Thing Is Trending Now? (11/04/2017)
A child getting small amounts of candy handouts from all of her neighbors is like the definition of socialism. → Read More
You Can See Mario's Officially Licensed Wiener
Well, here it is. Mario's wiener, unearthed by a investigative Twitter user. Mario's dingaling appears in an officially licensed manga called Super Mario. So his pendulous little disco stick is canon. I don't know, though. It feels anticlimactic. I thought maybe his wiener would be in the shape of a little mushroom, or feature an iconic mustache. Instead, it's a couple of concentric "U" shapes,… → Read More
Amazon Key Couriers Could Get Lured Into Elaborate Traps
The Amazon Key is the prefect delivery system for agoraphobic serial killers. → Read More
Garfield's Creator Weighs In On Disturbing Fan Theory
I'm disgusted at you people. How dare you even consider that His Holiness, Jim Davis, would create anything but wholesome, family friendly, cat-centric humor? Like that series of strips in which it turns out Garfield lives in an abandoned house, and is driven insane by his loneliness. Jon and Odie are hallucinations concocted by his love-starved decaying mind. Family. Friendly. Fun. So no, Jon… → Read More
Apple's New Driverless Car May Doom Humanity
The main critique of Apple's new autonomous driving system is it's ugly. It appears to be a bulky rack bolted onto the roof of a car. But now that Apple's thrown their hat into the ring of autonomous cars, "ugly" isn't what we should be worried about. Apple brought us Siri, an artificial intelligence that seems to regard humans with withering contempt. So I imagine, to keep the AI driving the… → Read More
This Kim Kardashian Salary Calculator Will Make You Feel Bad
This calculator is a great way to feel bad about yourself. According to the calculator, it takes Kim Kardashian a few hours to earn a $30,000 salary, and about a day to earn $50,000. But before you start thinking about eating the rich, consider other ways to use Kim Kardashian as a unit of measurement. I'm just estimating here, but I figure that one Kardashian year is equal to 7 regular human… → Read More
You Can Now Buy Booze For Your Pets. But Why?
Oh sweet, my dog can now get drunk with me? No? This alcohol isn't alcoholic? Well then what's the point? I'm all for treating your pet animal as a human being. I consider my dog a human. I dress her up in clothing, put five-fingered gloves on her hands, and have one-sided conversations with her for hours. Sometimes, I put her in a stroller, roll around town, and demand that people compliment my… → Read More