Kyle Sekaquaptewa
The Hard Times
Provo, UT, United States
Contact Kyle
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Past articles by Kyle:
Man Blissfully Unaware He’s Purchased His Last Medium Shirt
A 25-year-old man purchased a medium-sized T-shirt yesterday, unaware this will be the last time in his life he’ll comfortably fit into anything smaller than an extra large. → Read More
Amazon Prime Auto-Renew Patiently Waits to Ruin Woman’s Financial Plans
Local hair stylist Anna Yun’s carefully budgeted plans for the month were derailed by her Amazon Prime membership’s automatic renewal. → Read More
Grown Adult’s Entire Medicine Cabinet in Gummy Form
Local woman Rachel Mendoza discovered that the entire medicine cabinet of potential partner and adult human Ben Ridley contained strictly gummy medications. → Read More
Class Traitor Alert: This Guy Just Got Promoted To Assistant Manager Instead of Me
Well, well, well. Guess who finally turned their back on the working class? We all thought we could trust Sam but it turns out she’s just another greedy capitalist pig, climbing the corporate ladder and stepping on the little guy every chance she gets. The little guy is me, by the way. I would’ve sold out way better for that assistant manager job. Fucking bourgeoisie. I thought I had a true… → Read More
White Power March the Most Walking Militiaman Has Ever Done
Far-right protesters arrived several hours later than scheduled, due to a gross miscalculation of how long it takes for an out-of-shape militia to walk three miles. → Read More
Cool Mom Gives Out Full-Size Xanax Bars on Halloween
Local Mom Linda Hudson turned heads in her neighborhood by giving out full-sized Xanax bars to visiting trick-or-treaters. → Read More
Police Confirm Standard Target Practice Cut Out Character Has Back Turned
NYC Police Commissioner Dermot Shea confirmed today that police shooting targets all come standard with their backs turned. → Read More
Man Binges Eight Scorsese Movies to Push Project Runway Off Recently Watched List
Trevor Doyle spent the past 24 hours frantically binge watching Martin Scorsese films to push “Project Runway” off his recently watched list. → Read More
Crust Punk’s DIY Face Mask Gives Him 32 Other Diseases
Local crust punk Aaron Beckman compromised his health when his self-made facemask inadvertently exposed him to 32 other rare and deadly diseases. → Read More
I Know Your Husband Just Died From Coronavirus but Did You Know the Flu Kills 12,000 People per Year?
Hey there, just wanted to pop into the comments section of this memorial post for your late husband and let you know that, while coronavirus feels like it’s a pretty big deal, the common flu actually kills about 12,000 people per year so there’s really nothing to worry about. Yeah, the media is totally going to blow this thing out of proportion and tell you we’re in a crisis unseen in the last… → Read More
Pornhub Video Ruined By Mike Bloomberg Ad
Local pornography enthusiast Brett Wallace was caught off guard by an advertisement for Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg while watching a video on Pornhub.com. → Read More
Woman Rebrands Absolute Shitshow Personal Life as “Her Journey”
Local woman Shelby Walsh recently announced that she’s “turned over a new leaf,” rebranding her previously tumultuous personal life as “her journey.” → Read More
Quiz: Are These Pavement Lyrics or Are We Having A Stroke?
Quintessential indie rock band Pavement has crafted some of the most iconic independent music of the last 30 years, and their influence has left its mark on many of the staff here at The Hard Times. But let’s face it: The band isn’t getting any younger, and neither are we → Read More
Tinder Date Abruptly Ends After Woman Spots Crosley Turntable in Man’s Apartment
A promising Tinder date prematurely last night after a local woman spotted a Crosley turntable inside of her date’s apartment. → Read More
Bullshit: I Broke Three Windows and Stone Cold Steve Austin Still Hasn’t Shown Up
What is Austin’s deal? I'm starting to think he might be full of shit. But, like, please don’t tell him I said that. → Read More
Bullshit: I Broke Three Windows and Stone Cold Steve Austin Still Hasn’t Shown Up
What is Austin’s deal? I'm starting to think he might be full of shit. But, like, please don’t tell him I said that. → Read More
Friend Can’t Make It to This Mass Shooting, Will Definitely Be at the Next One
A local man can’t make it to today’s mass shooting, but, statistically speaking, he will definitely be in attendance at the next one. → Read More
Opinion: I Could Fuckin’ Take That Guy
Oh boy, look who just walked in. Who does this douchebag think he is? I hate when assholes from out of town come through here… → Read More
Religious Woman Hits The Fucking Jackpot at Goodwill Vinyl Section
Local employees of a Goodwill thrift store reported a loud disturbance today as a woman discovered several crates of religious music on vinyl. → Read More
Four Guys Standing in a Field Somehow Not a Band
A group of four white men found yesterday standing in an empty field outside of Davenport are, in fact, not in a band. → Read More