David Tyler
The Hard Times
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Past articles by David:
Opinion: Whether I'm Right or Not, You Have To Admit I Am Very Mean
Hey dude, how's it going? Just wanted to say no hard feelings about the other day. That comment thread got pretty heated, aha. You said some stuff, I said some stuff. I think we both made pretty good points. I don't think we can say one way or the other that I'm right about COVID being a biological attack perpetrated by the New World Order. BUT we can certainly agree that I was very mean the… → Read More
Entire Scene Evicted From Same Studio Apartment
Every member of Rochester's remaining DIY scene is homeless today following their eviction from the 600 square foot studio apartment they shared. → Read More
Mythbusters Reunite to Tase Each Other In Balls
The “Mythbusters” reunited to test the myth that a man died by tasing himself in the testicles while taking part in the riot at the U.S. Capitol Building. → Read More
Tucker Carlson Reminds Viewers That Capitol Building Was No Angel
Fox News host Tucker Carlson dedicated a segment of his show last night to telling his viewers that the Capitol building may not be the innocent victim many believe it to be. → Read More
Punk House Collapses After Load Bearing Roommate Evicted
A punk house collapsed yesterday after the eviction of roommate Luis Flores, who it appears was a load-bearing, structurally integral element of the home. → Read More
Apartment Fully Furnished with Rich Friend’s Old Stuff
Local barista Eli McDermott's home is now completely furnished with the cast-off old furniture of his rich friend following his acquisition of his friend’s lightly-used ottoman. → Read More
Woke Sheriff's Deputy Kneels with Tenants Before Throwing Them Out on Street at Gunpoint
A Los Angeles Sheriff's Department officer took a knee with the tenants of an apartment before forcing them out of their home under threat of violence. → Read More
Woody Guthrie's Guitar Arrested for Terrorist Sympathy
The Woody Guthrie Memorial Center was raided today by federal agents, taking Guthrie's famous "This Machine Kills Fascists" guitar into custody. → Read More
Cop Filming Birth of Child Can't Seem to Keep Camera On
NYPD officer Carson Boucher could not record his wife giving birth to their first son due to his habit of always turning his camera off at the most important times. → Read More
City Announces Curfew For 30 Minutes Ago
Following days of demonstration in the streets, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti instituted a curfew for 30 minutes ago, effective immediately. → Read More
Cop Shoots Klansman in Suicide
Sgt. William Porter, an active member of the Ku Klux Klan, was killed last night following a violent exchange with state police that authorities ultimately deemed a suicide. → Read More
Quarantined Bully Forced to Give Self Swirlies
Quarantined high school bully Evan Maddox, under stay-at-home orders for the past three weeks, gave himself swirlies yesterday out of desperation. → Read More
CDC Issues Reminder No One Would've Attended Show Anyway, Scene Sucks Now
The CDC issued a reminder that no one would've attended a show which was canceled due to an outbreak of Coronavirus anyway because the scene sucks now. → Read More
Hardcore Saint Patrick Drives Snakes Out of Scene
32-year-old hardcore kid Justin Phillips is driving the “snakes” out of his local scene, just as the original Saint Patrick did hundreds of years ago in Ireland. → Read More
Straight Edge Kid Blows Clean, Breathable Air Into Cat's Ear
Straight edge kid Patrick Cohen attempted to make his cat Bucket alert and calm Tuesday afternoon by blowing fresh mountain air into her ears. → Read More
Small Town's Dark Secret Not Nearly Interesting Enough to Tear Community Apart
A secret involving a beloved recipe at a local diner is not nearly interesting enough to tear the community apart. → Read More
Opinion: Yeah, Well Maybe John Darnielle Doesn’t Like Your Whiny Voice Either
When you told me you'd never heard The Mountain Goats before I was over the moon. Finally, I got to give someone the gift of listening to the best religious folk punk band from Durham, North Carolina for the first time. And how do you repay me? By telling me you found John Darnielle's voice "grating". Well listen buddy, maybe John Darnielle doesn't like your sniveling, whiny fucking voice either. → Read More
Big D Finally Invited to Adults Table
Big D was asked to dine with the adults at the annual ska-punk Thanksgiving dinner for the first time since the band's inception in 1995. → Read More
Partner Suspecting Punk Husband of Infidelity After Finding Second Pair of Jeans in Closet
Local wife Anna Schomaeker became suspicious of her husband Zeke after discovering a second pair of Levi’s 501 jeans in his side of the closet. → Read More
Man You Like Less Than Jeff Trying to Bond Over Some Good Ol’ Fashioned Jeff Shit Talk
Todd Horne attempted to engage the crew in a round of “Jeff-based shit talk,” despite the fact that Todd is way less cool than Jeff. → Read More