Jonny Long
The Tab
United Kingdom
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Past articles by Jonny:
Former pupils confess their rowdiest stories from British state schools
‘A substitute teacher was locked in a cupboard and the whole class refused to let her out’ → Read More
The Sunday Times launch £5,000 award for aspiring food writers in memory of AA Gill
Gill died in 2016 from what he described as “the Full English” of cancer → Read More
Former pupils confess juicy secrets from the poshest schools in Britain
‘Our cookery teacher taught us how to open champagne bottles with a sword’ → Read More
Calling time on adult Harry Potter fans, who please just need to read another book
It is a book written for children and it should stay that way → Read More
It’s time to admit The 1975 are the lamest band in the world right now
The 1975 won two Brits last night and have nine million monthly listeners on Spotify – they are without doubt one of the most popular and successful bands around. But unfortunately, that doesn't stop them from being the lamest band in the entire world. Look, there's nothing explicitly wrong with the 1975's music or anything offensive about it either. I'll be the first person to admit Somebody… → Read More
The votes are in: Exeter is officially the most basic uni in the country
"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter", Winston Churchill once said. But what about when the University of Highlands and Island was voted the most boring uni, and when you voted that Sports Science students were the biggest fuckboys, and Hull the ugliest uni. British students were clearly right on each of these occasions, Churchill is clearly… → Read More
If you haven’t had any help on your personal statement, send it to us
January 15th is the deadline for hundreds of thousands of sixth form students to send off their UCAS applications, nervously hoping to secure a place at university. The application process is the same for everyone. Everyone fills out the same form, everyone submits their predicted grades and everyone writes a personal statement. However, most private school students undoubtedly get way more help… → Read More
Everyone remembers the kids from School of Rock, but where are they now?
They all recovered from their bout of stickittotheman-itis, it wasn’t terminal → Read More
It’s time to take The Tab’s Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2018
Back in the halcyon days of 2017, we thought things couldn't possibly get any worse in 2018 right? Wrong. There's been so much awful news you have to laugh, otherwise you'll cry. Loads of bad stuff happened in politics, our planet is still dying and we're not doing anything about it, and to top it all off Mac Miller died. But what about in the warm, safe enclave of UK campuses? Yep, there was… → Read More
Oh Christ, Insta now tells people if you’ve screenshotted their picture
Cast your mind back to literally yesterday. The good old days. You'd get sent a pic on Instagram in a private message, screenshot and send to your mate. Either sharing in disbelief at how fit the person in the pic is or bitching about them behind their back. Well, that's yet another fun thing that's been taken from us by the bastard that is 2018. Instagram have followed yesterday's temporary,… → Read More
Remember the kids from Nanny McPhee? This is what they’re up to now
When you think of Christmas films, it's the likes of Home Alone, Love Actually and Elf that hog the limelight. But pour some out for Nanny McPhee, because as films go it fucking bangs. No, there's nothing necessarily "Christmassy" about it, but it's on every year. Tell me your plans for December 28th and that you'll be doing something better than watching a blustering Colin Firth trying to… → Read More
Not that anyone has asked this, but which 2018 meme is your uni?
*Clicks article* Brain: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it. Mouth: This is the best article I’ve ever read. → Read More
This is what you’re like now, depending on who you played in the Nativity
The angels all got Fiat 500s for their 17th birthdays → Read More
VOTE: Which British YouTuber is the worst of all time?
British YouTubers are insufferable. That’s a widely known and accepted fact. But somehow, they’ve all managed to be insufferable in their own special ways! Some manipulate their young viewers into buying pointless merchandise. A few have been disgraced. Most have terrible personalities. And all of them have done it for so long, they need to just take the money and go. But who is the worst… → Read More
Oxbridge take more students from just eight private schools than 3,000 state schools
Only 18 per cent of A-level students in the UK attend a private school → Read More
Here are your worst horror stories about having a shared room in halls
Living in halls is wild. You and a dozen strangers flung together, sharing kitchens and bathrooms, what could possibly go wrong? There will be massively overblown arguments over someone stealing a drop of your milk, two of your housemates will shag after a night out and completely ruin your blossoming friendship group. But this is all to be expected. What you can't plan for is to arrive at… → Read More
73 people you should avoid at university at all costs
Sure, naming 73 different types of people to avoid during your time at university may sound a bit mean (and a touch excessive) but hear us out. You arrive at uni along with thousands of other people. THOUSANDS. This means you can afford to be picky when deciding who exactly you're going to be hanging out with every day for the next three years. There are the obvious ones, like the person who… → Read More
Grime, Dark Fruits and ketamine: How the kids of Reading Festival have changed since 2012
You've just found out you scraped a B in Maths GCSE, Two Door Cinema Club have taken to the stage. You're bopping along to "What You Know" sipping on a lukewarm cider. The Kooks are still massive. Everyone has a fringe to hide their spotty face. Life is good. This is Reading Festival 2012, and this is as good as it gets. But six years is a long time, isn't it? The Tories are back in power,… → Read More
Remember the jilted exes of Made in Chelsea? Here’s where they all are now
We’ve done the research and they all deserved to get dumped tbh → Read More
This is every single uni grad condensed into a starter pack
At university, everyone fits into neat little boxes. You have the mum of the group, the sad boy, the hockey girls, the list goes on and on. But what happens after they graduate and go off into the big wide world? Turns out there are also neat little boxes ready made for recent grads too! The uni stoners are still smoking a medium-to-large amount of the devil's lettuce, the hockey girls now work… → Read More