Sarah Hutto
Timothy McSweeney
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Past articles by Sarah:
I Regret to Inform You That I Can Get Pregnant with My Legs Closed
In light of multiple strangers repeatedly telling me, “keep your legs closed,” I’d like to avoid further embarrassment by explaining that I can, in... → Read More
FAQ for Not Wearing a Mask
It feels weird and cold where my mask used to be. Is this normal? It’s normal to feel uncomfortable without a mask in public after wearing one for ... → Read More
A Conservative’s Guide to Preparing for a Biden Presidency
1. Gather your guns and place them in the government-approved rainbow trash bag. The bag should have arrived in your mailbox attached to your mail-... → Read More
Welcome to Votr! The app that puts democracy in your hands, so you can crush it.
Read the FAQ, Iowa. → Read More
Guns Don’t Kill People. People Kill People. It’s Time We Get Rid of People
People say that if we get rid of guns, mass shootings will decrease. But guns aren’t the problem. People are the problem. As a society, we must com... → Read More
FUNNY WOMEN: Are You an Enemy of the People? (A Quiz)
New research shows that one in three Americans are “enemies of the people.” → Read More
Seven Easy Cold-Weather Casseroles That Won’t Fix Any of This
There’s nothing like a home-style dish to keep you from thinking about World War III. → Read More
DIY Fall Centerpieces to Own the Patriarchy
Through November 9, we’re auctioning off a number of props and costumes from Boots Riley’s 2018 hit film “Sorry to Bother You,” the screenplay of which was originally published in 2014 as part of McSweeney’s 48. → Read More
Nobody Loves Autumn More Than Me
I love this time of year. The leaves start to change, the air takes on a chill, and I erect scarecrows in my front yard, each representing one of m... → Read More
Vote Pontius Pilate 2020!
If your primary concern as a citizen is the enforcing of laws, whatever they may be, then Pontius Pilate, former Roman governor of Judea, is your p... → Read More
The Biggest Valentine’s Day Myths of All Time
Cupid can in fact be thwarted. → Read More
I Am James Comey. I Am the Highlander
As the Easterly sun rises I roam the Iowan highways alone, much the way the native Ho-Chunk traversed these plains centuries ago, guided by their s... → Read More
Well, Actually, Frankenstein Was the Name of the Doctor
Scary facts only special people know. → Read More
List: Things More Heavily Regulated Than Buying a Gun in the United States
Having a fucking bake sale Building a fucking shed in your own backyard Pumping fucking gas Getting a fucking vasectomy Owning a fucking car Drivin... → Read More
How to De-Feralize Your Children for Back-to-School
1. Find them. Where are they? Nobody knows for sure. Seems like one might have been enrolled in a facility of some kind and another was left with a... → Read More
Tips And Tricks For Enjoying The Eclipse
1. Unplug your microwave, turning it so that the side with the retrofitted coaxial port now faces you. 2. Carefully insert your coaxial cord into the port. 3. Now connect the other end of the cord to your vertical deionized tanning bed, making sure all UV bulbs have been removed and replaced with coated plasma conductors. 4. You should hear a hum as the two machines recognize each other and… → Read More
The line of presidential succession, for dummies
Who would take over if President Trump left office? → Read More
Do You Love Yourself Enough To Get An Entire Shirt?
Tell the world you’re ready for summer with this floral embroidered blouse and also that you don’t deserve to have fabric on your shoulders because of that thing you did that time, which everyone… → Read More
List: Five Places to Hide His Body After He Puts Your Bras in the Dryer
These days, keeping your sweater puppies appropriately supported can run between $50-100 a boob. In this cruel world full of gravity and trampoline... → Read More
Why ‘Girls’ Was Actually Just a Show About Molting Crustaceans
If you’re as big a fan of Girls as I was, then you probably realized early on that the show is a thinly veiled metaphor for hard and soft-shell marine life. Although there are still those who… → Read More