Lauren Theisen
Deadspin
New York, NY, United States
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Past articles by Lauren:
Even When Aaron Rodgers Slips Up, He's Spectacular
Even with Patrick Mahomes stuck on the sideline, Sunday night’s game between the Chiefs and the Packers played out as an entertaining battle of offenses that kept matching each other blow for blow. But in a fight between the recently un-retired Matt Moore and the god Aaron Rodgers, it was only a matter of time before the latter gained the edge. That happened on a Packers TD at the beginning of… → Read More
Deshaun Watson Got Kicked In The Frickin' Eye And Still Threw A Touchdown
Texans QB Deshaun Watson can get you out of your seat at a moment’s notice, but he might have outdone himself while throwing a go-ahead fourth quarter touchdown in his team’s game against the Raiders on Sunday.Watson dropped back with his team down four and facing first-and-goal with six-and-a-half minutes to go. On this incredible play, Watson didn’t just avoid what looked like a near certain… → Read More
The Broncos Played Like Cowards And Joe Flacco Is Pissed
Jacoby Brissett once again proved himself to be a trustworthy starter on Sunday, leading his Colts to a 5-2 record with a 15-13 late comeback win against the Broncos. Adam Vinatieri got the points that notched the victory, but it was Brissett who made one of the weekend’s best plays anywhere on a football field this weekend, escaping a sack and finding T.Y. Hilton way down the field to begin the… → Read More
Max Scherzer Can't Go Tonight, So The Nationals Are Turning To, Um, Joe Ross?
What was going to be a marquee Game 5 pitching rematch on Sunday night between the Astros’ Gerrit Cole and the Nationals’ Max Scherzer has taken a bizarre left turn, as Scherzer won’t be healthy enough to get on the mound for Washington. In a shock announcement this afternoon, manager Davey Martinez said his best starter was struggling with spasms in the neck/back area. → Read More
The Bears Missed A Field Goal To Lose A Game
The Chicago Bears have some *ahem* history with missed field goals, and the failure of Cody Parkey in last season’s playoffs clearly haunted the psyche of coach Matt Nagy all summer. But while this miss—by replacement kicker Eddy Pineiro to lose 17-16 against the Chargers—may not be as significant as a Wild Card loss to the Eagles, it’s still dangerously retraumatizing for anyone who lived… → Read More
Bears Fans Boo Team Off The Field After Offense Freezes At The Goal Line
Is this football? I think it’s supposed to be football, but what I’m seeing is an especially glitchy game of Madden I need to turn off and turn back on again. And the fans in Chicago seem to agree with me. Heading into halftime against the Chargers, down 7-6 with 45 seconds remaining in the quarter, the Chicago Bears had six opportunities to score from inside the five-yard line, including three… → Read More
Flea Flickers Are Out. Double Reverse Flea Flickers Are In.
Yeah, sure, it’s possible for a team to score a touchdown on a boring old flea flicker, but if you could jazz things up by scoring on an Ultra Spectacular Jet Sweep Double Flea Flicker Reverse™️ instead, why wouldn’t you? That’s what the Rams were clearly thinking today in England against the Bengals, as they took a 17-10 lead with a play straight out of the Big 12. After one handoff, one pitch,… → Read More
Even Knicks Fans Already Love Tacko Fall
The “We Want Tacos” chant is, oddly, not even all that uncommon at basketball games, given the wide variety of food promotions that exist for when home teams hit certain accomplishments. But at Madison Square Garden, a variation on this chant—the singular form—emerged from a Knicks blowout loss on Saturday night. With four minutes to go and the home team down 24, a crowd that definitely… → Read More
Alex Bregman Let Out All His Frustration With One Booming Swing
It seems likely that nobody in the World Series was more pissed off than Astros third baseman Alex Bregman heading into Game 4. The ’Stros top hitter in the regular season was only 1-for-13 in the first three games of the Fall Classic. His lone positive contribution was a meaningless dinger in a 12-3 loss, and it was his misplay in that defeat that helped allow the game to get out of control.… → Read More
Classic Rock, Ranked
Kelsey said she saw the film Yesterday on a plane. I said I didn’t understand why “Eleanor Rigby” was such a popular Beatles song. This being Deadspin, we have, after hours of yelling at each other in Slack, reached the natural endpoint of this, which is a democratically produced staff ranking of classic rock radio artists. → Read More
Jarvis Landry Guarantees Victory Against The Patriots, Quickly Regrets It
The 2-4 Cleveland Browns have a massively intimidating task ahead of them this Sunday, as they travel to New England to take on the undefeated Patriots. This is a team that, when they took on the league’s other remaining undefeated team in Santa Clara three weeks ago, got crushed by a score of 31-3. But at least at the beginning of his press conference today, Browns wideout Jarvis Landry wasn’t… → Read More
Alex Bregman Was So Close To Stopping Everything
It’s obviously hyperbole to say that a misplay on a tough grounder lost the Astros Game 2 of the World Series. But that six-run seventh inning from the Nationals that broke the 2-2 tie and led them to a 12-3 win was such an intense morale-sapper—for both the Houston team and the formerly rowdy crowd they had in the ballpark—that it’s hard not to look for simple answers that explain in more… → Read More
Report: Sam Darnold's Toenail Removal Procedure Was "Pretty Gross"
Toenail is the new seeing ghosts is the new spleen is the new mononucleosis. Add to the never-ending list of Sam Darnold’s bizarre ailments a toenail that had to be removed on Tuesday, after the Jets QB’s foot got stepped on during his team’s spooky loss to the Patriots on Monday. Head coach Adam Gase did not specify which little piggy got roastbeefed, but he did say that, even though Darnold… → Read More
David Pastrnak Is Doing Scary Things With His Stick And I Don't Like It
A PSA: This blog is rated R for frozen violence, scenes of intense terror, and sadistic torture of a goalie.Boston Bruins winger David Pastrnak has spent the early part of this season menacing the NHL, and the league leader in goals claimed more victims in a Tuesday night win over the Maple Leafs, where the actions he took with the puck on his stick were nothing short of unconscionably… → Read More
Lawsuit Accuses Oscar De La Hoya Of Sexual Assault
Former top-rated boxer and current chairman and CEO of Golden Boy Promotions Oscar De La Hoya has been sued for sexual assault and battery by an anonymous woman in Los Angeles County Superior Court. The plaintiff says in her lawsuit that she was sexually assaulted by the promoter and ex-boxer in November 2017 when, against her wishes, he forced his fist into her vagina.The lawsuit, filed Monday… → Read More
Connecticut Sun Survive Massive Mystics Comeback, Force Winner-Take-All Game 5
Kristi Toliver should have worn a different shirt. The Washington Mystics’ veteran guard was not quiet about her and her team’s intentions as they walked into enemy territory in Connecticut for Game 4 of the WNBA Finals: They wanted to clinch the franchise’s first-ever championship, and they wanted to do it tonight. → Read More
The Athletic Outrages White Men Everywhere By Censoring Their Opinions On China
The Athletic didn’t publish any articles about Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey’s since-deleted Friday tweet in support of pro-democracy Hong Kong protestors, or about the subsequent manic attempts at damage control by the Rockets owner and the NBA, until a couple days after the controversy began. It was a long enough delay that readers began to take notice. One Athletic NBA writer, when asked… → Read More
Stephen A. Smith Pauses Between Bootlicks To Tell Daryl Morey To Grow Up
Ahead of his radio program this afternoon, Stephen A. Smith clearly thought long and hard about Daryl Morey’s tweet supporting Hong Kong protestors, the ensuing controversy and Morey’s subsequent backtracking, and the large-scale implications of all of the above on relationships between China and U.S.-based businesses. And then Smith went on the air and made some salient points about civil… → Read More
31 Guys, 31 Teams: Your 2019–20 NHL Season Preview
It’s here! The hockey is finally here! Tonight, on this most special of nights, we’ll see meaningful puck drops across North America for the first time since June, and I could not be happier. Thank you for clicking on this preview, and in doing so choosing to enjoy or learn about the best game you can name. → Read More
The Mystics Lost Elena Delle Donne And, Obviously, They Lost Game 2
The Washington Mystics were likely feeling confident heading into Tuesday’s WNBA Finals Game 2, as they looked all-around fantastic in their Game 1 win against the Connecticut Sun. But just a few minutes into tonight’s match-up, the Mystics would experience a disturbing flashback to last year’s Finals, when they got swept by the Storm in major part because star player Elena Delle Donne wasn’t at… → Read More