Mark Bouchard
The Hard Times
Salt Lake City, UT, United States
Contact Mark
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Past articles by Mark:
5 Places in My Apartment That Absolutely Need a Glory Hole
I’ve recently become single. During a pandemic. I’ll confirm what I’m sure you already know: it blows. If you’d like to avoid contracting the coronavirus,… → Read More
I’m Going Home for Thanksgiving To Secure My Inheritance by Christmas
As Thanksgiving approaches, and COVID-19 rates get progressively worse, many of my friends are shocked that I still plan on visiting my family for what many call a pointless holiday. I’ve been called irresponsible and told I could potentially be passing along COVID to susceptible family members, even if I test negative right before seeing them. To those people, I say: good, that’s exactly what… → Read More
Police Officer Shoots Toddler Who Got His Nose
Chicago Police Sgt. Connor Ring is on paid administrative leave after he shot a toddler in the face for “getting his nose” at a child’s birthday party this past weekend. → Read More
Police Officer Shoots Toddler Who Got His Nose
Chicago Police Sgt. Connor Ring is on paid administrative leave after he shot a toddler in the face for “getting his nose” at a child’s birthday party this past weekend. → Read More
NRA Member Rises Up Against Tyrannical Costco Employee
A card-carrying member of both the NRA and Costco’s premium membership was forced to leave the bulk-grocery chain as a result of his refusal to wear a facemask. → Read More
The Next Spongebob? This Gay Man Makes Minimum Wage
While Spongebob is fictional, a fast food restaurateur in Lansing, Michigan believes he has found the real-life Spongebob: A slightly irritating gay man named Aiden Stouder. → Read More
Punk Celebrating With the “Fancy” Instant Ramen
Barista and local punk Miranda Byers is celebrating an additional shift at Baxter’s Garden with a splurge purchase of the “fancy” instant ramen for dinner. → Read More
I Understand Law & Order: Svu Is Copaganda, but Also I Have Depression
I am well aware that the characters in Law & Order: SVU occasionally use excessive force and routinely engage in unethical policing tactics, such as being badge-carrying officers of the NYPD. Knowing this is essential if you plan on consuming any copaganda without getting suckered by its unfair humanization of the police. → Read More
The Coronavirus Put Me, a Bioweapons Engineer Hired by Mitch McConnell, out of Work
Politicians are arguing over how best to implement a stimulus package and all I can think about is how much I’d like to be back at work in the lab right now. Unemployment means more than just losing money. It’s losing familiarity with daily life as we know it. Like many of you, I lost my job because of COVID-19. Well, more specifically I lost my job to COVID-19. I make bioweapons for a living… → Read More
Coronavirus Forces Punk to be Unemployed From Home
Local punk Allen Prestigiacomo is now unemployed from home following a government order forcing bars and dine-in restaurants to close their doors to the public. → Read More
I Will Take Enough Shrooms to Reason With Coronavirus
We’re at a crossroads here, and I don’t believe that social distancing is going to save us. Sure, I think the CDC has its heart in the right place, but you can’t just avoid your problems — especially when they’re all around you. I don’t think COVID-19 is something that can be fought, either. It’s not like it’s a bear, or an eagle, it’s a virus. I’ve never seen a pair of boxing gloves small… → Read More
Punk Uses Floss To Fix Everything But Gum Disease
DIY punk and scene fixture Jax Williamson will use dental floss to fix almost anything other than their oral hygiene and gum health. → Read More
Ally Hopes He Doesn’t Have To Do Anything
Local ally Nick McMahon hopes nobody expects him to follow up on his stance against police brutality in his day-to-day-life. → Read More
Pete Buttigieg Daydreams About First Openly LGBTQ-Ordered Drone Strike
Democratic hopeful Pete Buttigieg admitted yesterday that, in times of quiet reflection, he often daydreams about ordering the first openly LGBTQ drone strike. → Read More
Blood Might Be Thicker Than Water, but I Can Totally Shotgun This Whole Bag
Hey dude, turn that shit off, put on that last Racetraitor record and get everyone to gather round. Why? Check this shit out. Chris’s brother works at a blood bank and he fuckin’ hooked it up. → Read More
Tragic Tech Deck Accident Ends Man’s Promising Data Entry Career
Rising data entry star Stuart Carroll is hospitalized following a freak tech deck accident, which may mark the end of a very promising career in menial labor. → Read More
5 Ways To Suck Dick That Piss Off The Far Left
These liberals get upset over every little thing, even sucking dick. Everyone knows that sex shouldn't be a safe space. I am a proud, red blooded American patriot and I like to make sure everyone knows it the second my mouth is on their cock. → Read More
Opinion: No One I Sold Oregano to in High School Should Be President
Lock. Him. Up. That’s what I wish I could say about Pete Buttigieg, but unfortunately, that dork is way too lame to be MY president. I’m speaking from first-hand experience here. I went to high school with Buttigieg. In addition to this super original nickname I gave him (just try and guess!) I was also his weed dealer. Correction: I was a weed dealer who he thought he was buying weed from. But… → Read More
Childhood Sock Puppet About To See Some Shit
A childhood sock puppet is in for an experience he never imagined possible after its 28-year-old owner stumbled upon it during a holiday trip home. → Read More
Man Tricked into Skincare by Wolf on Package
Local man Eddie Massari learned today that the product he’d been applying to his face for months was merely cleansing his skin. → Read More