Dan Rice
The Hard Times
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Past articles by Dan:
Opinion: Show Me Where in the Rulebook It Says a Dog Can’t Be My Only Friend
Alright, I want everyone to just settle down. I realize many of you find this unorthodox, but let’s focus on the facts. Yes, this man here is my friend, yes he is my only friend, and yes, he is a pitbull/lab mix by the name of Roscoe. So what? Show me exactly where in the rulebook it says a dog can’t be my sole friend and confidant in this world. → Read More
First Rule of Being a Fan of Fight Club Is You Do Not Talk About Being a Fan of Fight Club
Welcome to Fight Club fan club. I see a lot of new faces. Shut up. That means a lot of you have been breaking the first two rules of Fight Club fan club. The First rule of Fight Club fan club is… you do not talk about being a fan of Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club fan club is… you do NOT talk about being a fan of Fight Club. → Read More
How to Use Pro Tools to Touch Up All of Your Imperfections as a Human Being Too
Everyone who has ever entered the studio in the past 15 years or so, knows that Pro Tools is the standard program engineers use to make fuck ups on tracks disappear. With one click, drag, or touch of a key, any semblance of humanity in a record production can be wiped away replacing it with a smooth, clean, flawless robotic sound the masses demand. → Read More
Fisting or Fist Fucking? 5 Grammar Tweaks That Will Make You Sound Smarter in Job Interviews
Nothing is worse than leaving a job interview that you spent weeks preparing for and wondering if an errant phrasing just blew the whole thing for you. “Did I say ‘like’ too much? Did I use a ‘me’ when I should have used an ‘I?’ Did I communicate my proclivity for stuffing my entire hand into a partner’s orifice effectively?” These are the post-interview thoughts that can keep you up at night. → Read More
Real-Life Vampire? This Young Looking Dude Just Mentioned Beck
Vampire. Nosferatu. The un-dead. Legends of unholy, immortal creatures with a thirst for human blood have existed for centuries. Could such a long-enduring myth have roots in real life? Do the damned actually walk among us? According to the patrons of one punk bar, the answer is yes. → Read More
If AI Art is So Immoral, Why Won’t it Make Me More Scooby Doo Hentai?
Lately, there's been a lot of discussion about the ethics of AI-generated art. Since resources like DALL-E and NightCafe generate their images from databases without the consent of the original artists, some consider the images to be stolen. Well for something so “unethical” these so-called “art generators” sure have a lot of hangups when it comes to making me Scooby Doo porn! → Read More
We Rank the Films of Glenn Danzig: Bad
Well this one has been a long time coming! Given that we’re a punk news outlet with a strong slant toward film, horror, and an affinity for ranking things, it seems crazy that we are only just now ranking the films of former Misfits frontman Glenn Danzig! Well, better late than never. Let’s dig right in and rank the Danzig filmography! → Read More
Donald Trump: “The Three Ghosts Who Visited Me Last Night Were Very Rude. Phony. Apologize!”
President-elect Donald J. Trump is on the attack again, this time angrily tweeting about three spirits who allegedly visited him late on Christmas Eve. → Read More
CEO Mindset: Elon Musk Will Live in the Men’s Room at Denny’s Until They Fix the Hand Dryer
Ever wash your hands in a Denny’s restroom after making room for your Grand Slam only to find that the hand dryer is busted? If you’re an ordinary person you probably looked around for some paper towels, maybe settled for wiping them on your shirt, and went about your day. Elon Musk is no ordinary person. → Read More
Checkmate Liberals: I’m Insanely Wrong About Everything but Very Good at Chess
So, you thought you could outwit me, did you? You thought you could waltz in here and effortlessly diffuse my attacks on your ideology? That you could categorically debunk every one of my outrageous claims without so much as a google search? Well, you were right, I clearly have no idea how the world works, but I still own this chess game. Checkmate! → Read More
Trust Me, Halloween is Actually the Worst Day to Poison Candy
If you’re a parent you’ve probably spent the week combing blog posts about Halloween safety. By now you know how to identify any signs of tampering, should some sick bastard decide to try and poison your innocent child. As one of those sick bastards I can tell you, you’re wasting your fucking time. → Read More
Opinion: I Am Vampyr, I Am Forever, and Your Carbon Footprint Affects
Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man concerned with global warming. → Read More
I Don’t Know Who Needs To Hear This but You Are Brave, You Are Loved, and This Is a Robbery
People of this bank listen up, 'cause I got something to say. The state of the world is chaotic right now. We’re all facing a lot of stressors, and it’s creating a mental health crisis. In times like these, it’s easy to let the negative thoughts win. Well, I’m here to tell you, fuck that noise. I don’t know who needs to hear this right now but I want you to know that you are brave, you are… → Read More
No Matter How Many Film Reviews I Write, I’ll Never Top “Air Dud”
It’s a bittersweet feeling to realize you’ve peaked, but at least when I look back up at my personal zenith I can honestly say, “not bad.” → Read More
Help! I Wanna Be Murdered by Sex Demons but This Puzzle Box Is Like, Really Hard
Ever since I discovered BDSM Tumblr as a youth, I have dreamt of dying at the hands of horned-up sadistic hellspawn. I dedicated my life to arcane studies, entrenched myself in the deepest darkest corners of the antiques black market and now, at long last, the Lament Configuration is in my hands. There’s just one problem — I have no fucking idea how this thing works. → Read More
We Look Back on Portishead Because There’s a Lot of Hot Women in Their 40s on Tinder Now
Who could forget the sultry trip-hop of Portishead? The answer is me, and most men under the age of 30, but it’s time to change that. → Read More
Not All Cops: Some of Them Rip Their Clothes off and Dance Around for Money
I know this isn’t a popular thing to say nowadays, but not all cops. Sure, some deplorable behavior has come to light in recent years, and the thugs on the force responsible for those actions should be held accountable But to let their actions completely stain police as a whole is to overlook the hard work of those boys in blue who just want to rip off their shirts and get this party started. → Read More
Could Your Child be Trying Cannabis? Take Our Quiz to Find Out If They’re 15
Marijuana use is on the rise, and while it’s completely harmless and fun for you to consume, to a child with a still developing mind, it can have devastating consequences. You know, like it did for you. → Read More
I Don’t Understand Why We Still Do Internet When Black Mirror Proved It Was Bad in 2014
It’s been said that life imitates art, but from where I’m standing, it never learns from it. Here you are, reading this article on the internet, an invention that the television show “Black Mirror” proved would doom us to a world of Machiavellian horror, meritocracy-based confinement, and for some reason pig fucking. → Read More
Well “Gangster of Love” is Taken, So I Guess I’ll Be “The Criminal of Sex”
It’s no secret that the right moniker can make or break an aspiring musician. Eric Clapton used to be a nobody, but one day they started calling him “Slow Hand” and now he’s one of the most successful songwriters/anti-vaxxers of all time. Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen, Elvis “The King” Presley, Roger “Aging Poorly” Waters, the list goes on! Unfortunately, when I landed on the absolute perfect… → Read More