Billy Haisley
Deadspin
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Past articles by Billy:
Bernardo Silva Does A Racism Oopsie, Pep Guardiola Makes It Worse
What do you get when you mix an obscenely racist Spanish candy, a well-meaning but ill-advised joke tweet between Premier League teammates, and a manager who clearly doesn’t know anything about the history of racist imagery? Well, you get a racism scandal perfectly suited for 2019, with only a bag of delicious chocolate-covered peanuts to heal your pain. → Read More
The Premier League Is Finally As "Bad" As La Liga
It’s more than a little ironic that the definitive proof that the Premier League truly is as comprehensively and inarguably supreme as its fanboys have long contended it to be has come in the exact form many of those same fanboys shitted on Spain for back when La Liga was top dog. → Read More
Look At This Butt Goal
Own goals usually leave defenders red-faced, but the cheeks of Sparta Prague defender Michal Sáček’s ass were most likely the redder after his butt scored an own goal in Sunday’s match against Slavia Prague: → Read More
Large Norwegian Teen Has Now Graduated To Crushing Grown Men
Last time we checked in on Erling Braut Håland, the enormous Viking kid had demolished a team of children by scoring nine goals in a single U-20 World Cup match. If you were wondering if the 6-foot-3 teen’s size, strength, and skills would carry over when pitted against adults, the answer is a resounding yes. → Read More
Lightning Strikes Jamaican Soccer Field, Sends Three Players To The Hospital
On Monday, a soccer match in Jamaica between Jamaica College and Wolmer’s Boys was suspended in the 84th minute after a bolt of lightning struck the pitch. The bolt’s impact sent several players to the ground, and a total of three players were taken to the hospital in the aftermath. Here’s video of the incident: → Read More
Report: Drew Brees To Undergo Thumb Surgery, Expected To Be Out For Six Weeks
After injuring his hand in the Saints’ game against the Rams on Sunday, Adam Schefter is reporting that Drew Brees will need surgery on thumb, which is expected to keep him off the field for six weeks. → Read More
Portuguese Soccer Teen Absolutely Cooks A Keeper With Filthy Spin Move
If ever a soccer move deserved the Chris Berman “WHOOP!” sound, it’s the perfectly executed spin Francisca Nazareth hit the goalkeeper with before scoring Portugal’s fourth goal in a U19 friendly against Turkey. Rounding the keeper is one thing, but twirling her is something else entirely: → Read More
New York Jets Cut A Guy Four Months After Drafting Him In The Third Round
You’d be hard pressed to find a better distillation of the bone-deep dysfunction, ineptitude, and loljetsiness of the New York Jets than this: On Saturday, the team cut promising pass rusher Jachai Polite just four months after drafting him in the third round. → Read More
Report: Dolphins Trade Laremy Tunsil And Kenny Stills To The Texans For A Crap Ton Of Picks
“The backlash would be amazing,” a source told the Miami Herald on Thursday regarding how the Dolphins locker room would react should rumors that the team might trade star left tackle Laremy Tunsil prove true. “Guys would legit revolt.” Well, Viva la revolución, because the Dolphins have reportedly agreed to trade Tunsil and wide receiver Kenny Stills to the Texans for a whole lot of draft picks. → Read More
Cristiano Ronaldo Makes Fun Of VAR For Being A Killjoy After Scoring
Cristiano Ronaldo thought he’d scored his first goal of the new Serie A season last week, only for VAR to erase it due to one of those maddeningly marginal offside calls. In today’s match against Napoli, the Juventus forward once again found the back of the net, only this time the goal stood. In acknowledgement of the joy-sapping nature of VAR, he cheekily advised fans to hold off on… → Read More
Eric Cantona Gives Instantly Iconic, Batshit Insane Speech At UEFA Award Show
“As flies to wanton boys, we are for the gods. They kill us for sport,” was how soccer legend Eric Cantona, quoting Shakespeare, began his wholly and fittingly insane acceptance speech after being handed the UEFA President’s Award today. And it only got weirder from there: → Read More
Liverpool And Manchester City Still Reign Supreme
The start of a new season offers all the promise of a blank slate. Onto this yet untouched slab, our imaginations can run wild carving any conceivable array of results and events, thrillingly unconstrained by anything other than our own whims and predictions. However, though we are just three matches into a new, tantalizingly unpredictable Premier League season, it already feels like Liverpool… → Read More
The New Handball Rule Is The Cold, VAR Is Cancer
For the second time in as many weeks of the new Premier League season, the biggest story from the weekend was another ruinously stupid imposition of VAR. The only thing more tiring than having to write the umpteenth anti-VAR post is having to witness video replay poison this wonderful sport from week to week. → Read More
There Is No Ethical Dissent Under Capitalism
It’s safe to say Jay-Z, to some extent, takes cues from Colin Kaepernick. Jay-Z has expressed his admiration of the former quarterback before, once calling him an “iconic figure.” In the aftermath of Kaepernick’s black-balling from the NFL for his peaceful protest of police killing unarmed black men, Jay-Z rejected the league’s offer to have him perform at the Super Bowl in solidarity. And in a… → Read More
Carlos Vela Earns The Dubious Honor Of Being MLS's All-Time Highest-Scoring Mexican
With a deadlock-breaking goal from the penalty spot on Sunday in LAFC’s 4–2 win over the Red Bulls, Carlos Vela continued his season-long, Messi-like path of goal-induced destruction. The goal was his 23rd of the season, and his 37th overall in MLS, the latter stat making him the highest scoring Mexican the league has ever seen. Which is a little like being the highest scoring American hooper in… → Read More
VAR Is Turning Everyone Into Cops
The opening weekend of the Premier League season was in some ways bittersweet—the sweetness provided by the return of the best league in the world, the bitterness from the sad end of England’s noble resistance to the scourge of VAR. To anyone expecting to witness the inherently corrosive effects of video replay play out in its English debut, this weekend unfortunately did not disappoint. → Read More
Naked Idiot On The Field Rings In The New Premier League Season With A Dong
After a short summer break, the Premier League is back. Liverpool hosted Norwich City in the first match of the season today in a game that featured five goals, several wondrous feats of athleticism, and one pitch invader who made it onto the field just long enough to show the world his dick and ass crack. → Read More
British Man Arrested For Racist Tweet About Mohamed Salah
A 32-year-old Englishman was arrested this morning on suspicion of committing a hate crime for sending a tweet that, according to the Liverpool Echo, included “racist slurs and pictures” of Liverpool’s Egyptian forward, Mohamed Salah. → Read More
Harry Maguire Is The Best Manchester United Can Do
The fee itself, as gargantuan as it is, isn’t really an issue. Manchester United are one of the few clubs in the sport for which money truly is no object, and so their decision to break the defender transfer record is no cause for alarm. If there is an issue with the Red Devils paying Leicester City £80 million for center back Harry Maguire, though, it’s a matter of who, not what. → Read More
Alejadro Bedoya Scores Goal, Calls For Congress To "End Gun Violence"
During the goal celebration after he scored in today’s D.C. United-Philadelphia Union match, Union midfielder Alejandro Bedoya picked up a pitch-side microphone and said into it,“Hey Congress, do something, now! End gun violence!”: → Read More