Andy Holt
The Hard Times
Los Angeles, CA, United States
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Past articles by Andy:
David Koch Still on Wrong Side of River Styx After Refusing to Pay One-Cent Ferry Tax
David Koch was still camped on the edge of Styx this morning, unable to reach the afterlife after refusing to pay the one-cent fee to access the ferry. → Read More
Actually, If You Account for All Time Zones International Women’s Day Is Impossible
If you believe the hype, today is International Women’s Day. Everybody online is talking about accomplishments women have made in history. Everybody is celebrating the women in their lives. Everybody is talking about the importance of women’s rights around the world. But you know what nobody is talking about? What everybody has apparently forgotten? → Read More
Poser Receives Emergency Cred Transplant From Older Brother
Local punk Leo Picado had a portion of his scene cred transplanted to his little brother, Danny — a poser whose reputation had dropped to life-threatening levels. → Read More
Local Band Moves to Los Angeles Halfway Through First Show
A local band stopped playing at the midpoint of their performance last night, departing immediately for Los Angeles to seek better opportunities. → Read More
Dad Bonds With Promoter Over Son's Lack of Hustle
Local father Bob Taggart spent all of yesterday evening bonding with promoter Steve “Froggy” Fordham over Taggart’s son’s lack of work ethic. → Read More
Local Band Starts Patreon in Bizarre Sexual Humiliation Ritual
A post-punk band started a Patreon page as part of a sexual humiliation fetish, with their utter failure as artists put on display for everyone to see. → Read More
Opinion: It's an Emotional Support Gun
Here is a truth that should be self-evident: all feelings are created equal. Everyone has the right to feel good, no matter where they are. Maybe they’re at home. Maybe they’re at work. Maybe they’re on a United Airlines flight to Tampa. → Read More
Artisanal Chocolatier Worried Detroit Will Recover Before He Gets Around to Moving There
Small-batch chocolate maker Wayne Barnes is concerned that the City of Detroit will complete an economic recovery before he can relocate there. → Read More
Tinder Date Just Barely Long Enough to List Every Type of IPA
A recent Tinder date was reportedly almost too short for a local man to describe every variety of India Pale Ale. → Read More
Fact Check: Is This Frontman 'Psyched' to Be in Benton, Illinois?
CLAIM:William “Willy” McGuinness, frontman for Celtic Punk band The Warm Pints, is “psyched” to be performing at a local bar in the town of Benton, Illinois. → Read More
Fact Check: Is This Frontman 'Psyched' to Be in Benton, Illinois?
CLAIM:William “Willy” McGuinness, frontman for Celtic Punk band The Warm Pints, is “psyched” to be performing at a local bar in the town of Benton, Illinois. → Read More
Co-Op Closes Due to Capitalist Bullshit, Food Poisoning
A local food co-op will close its doors due to the oppressive weight of capitalism on the proletariat, and a severe outbreak of food poisoning. → Read More
Activist Raises Awareness That She Used to Live in Portland
Local activist Bridget Wakefield is working to raise awareness about the fact that she spent a year living in Portland, Oregon. → Read More
Google Maps 'Dad Mode' Consists Entirely of Shortcuts
Google is offering a new navigation mode for the Google Maps smartphone app, with simulated dad-based directions consisting of local shortcuts. → Read More
30-Year-Old Drum Set Still Living in Parents' Basement
A drum kit housed by parents Barbara and Sam Willett has no imminent plans to leave the basement in which it has lived for the last 30 years. → Read More
Unemployed Boyfriend Pivots From Not Writing Novels to Not Writing Screenplays
Perpetually unemployed boyfriend Liam Womack announced he will cease failing to write novels to pursue procrastinating on screenplays. → Read More
$167 Concert Ticket Comes With Free Commentary From Guy Behind You
A VIP ticket package to attend Ozzy Osbourne: No More Tours 2 will include running commentary from the guy in the row behind you at no additional charge. → Read More
Man Listens to Grandson Explain DIY Ethic in House He Built With Bare Hands
A local grandfather received a lesson in DIY ethics from his grandson while inside the home built by the elderly man. → Read More
So, You Put on Your Favorite Song and Now Everybody Is Looking at Their Phones
You’re having a lot of emotions right now. That’s perfectly normal. → Read More
It’s Impossible to Be Racist to White People, but Here’s Our Best Shot
so how’d we do? → Read More