Ray Ratto
Deadspin
San Francisco, CA, United States
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Past articles by Ray:
NFL Rules Are Just Suggestions
Tom Brady was watching Titans-Jaguars Thursday night and, like every other person with functional eyes, did not enjoy the experience. Only he overcame his revulsion and fear of being found out, tweeting about it and saying all the holding penalties were ruining his fun. → Read More
Cubs Fans Used To Know How To Handle A Choke
This is why the Chicago Cubs should not have been permitted to win the 2016 World Series: Their fans can no longer appreciate the Cubs of the last week. → Read More
Stop Celebrating Bruce Bochy's 2,000th Victory
Bruce Bochy nailed down his iconic 2,044th victory as a major-league manager Wednesday in Boston, because let’s face it, nothing says greatness quite like a large round number. And if 2,044 isn’t round enough for you, then your entire life has been a lie. → Read More
Should You Root For The Dolphins To Be The Worst Team Ever?
After two games, the Miami Dolphins are, well, you know. Everyone knows. After two weeks, everybody knows. Everybody can smell it. → Read More
Let's Move The 49ers, Again
I am not among those of my era who are amazed that the Rolling Stones are still touring energetically at carbon-dateable age, but I know I am in the minority here, and I recognize power when I see it. So when the Stones condemned their recent experience playing the 49ers’ stadium, the implication was clear. → Read More
The Secret Fun Of Wild Card Bumper Cars Without An Audience
Having been surprised and inspired by Comrade Burneko’s scolding paean to the virtues of minor league baseball (namely, that it’s fun and people you don’t hang out with seem to like it so it deserves its continued existence based solely on that fact), I decided to avert my eyes from the smoldering ruins of Antonio Brown, USA Basketball, the Miami Dolphins besmirching the lofty reputation of… → Read More
Where Do The Raiders Go From Here?
Lost in the exciting new world of Antonio Brown the Patriot (can’t you just see the glint in Bill Belichick’s eye?) is what Brown left behind: → Read More
How Do The Raiders Do It?
Year after year, move after move, hire after hire, the Raiders outdo their own capacity for abject humiliation, and every time you think they’ve bottom out, they bring in a new excavator. And now, with the start and also pending end of the Antonio Brown era, they can honestly say that the earth’s crust appears up to them. → Read More
The NFL Is 100, And Sometimes It Makes You Feel That Way Too
You may not have heard about it because the National Football League has fought heroically to keep this information out of the public, but this season the NFL celebrates its 100th year of whatever it is that they do. Toward that end, commissioner and dictator-for-life Jerry Jones was invited to the New York Stock Exchange to curse the peasantry. → Read More
What Should Andrew Luck Do With His Superpower Of Making Dumb People Mad?
I imagine Andrew Luck is thinking about a Senate run today. Nothing, after all, inspires dreams of grandeur quite as quickly as doing something personal and painful that makes America pick a side, twitch like a worker in a meth lab, and then scream at each other for a few days. → Read More
The NFL Has Accepted The 80-Yard Field So Now Chaos Can Reign
So it turns out that professional football teams can do all the things they need to do on any given day with 20 percent less field. All they have to do is not give much of a damn about it. → Read More
The Antonio Brown Helmet Saga Ends With A Wet Thud
I suppose the only way the Antonio Brown Body Issue could wrap up was with him turning into a penitent and eager company man. He fought the law, the law yawned, took its feet off the desk, mixed itself a drink and hammered him flat, and he went “all-in” on being an Oakland Raider by playing Jon Gruden’s best friend on Hard Knocks. → Read More
The Nihilist's Guide To DeMarcus Cousins's Injury
If karma exists, DeMarcus Cousins did some ethereal being mighty wrong. If this is just bad luck, Cousins not only has his own but several other people’s as well. → Read More
Antonio Brown Had Better Have Something Else In Store
You hate when a great story about massive foot blisters, home-painted football helmets, ultimatums, and coaches supporting their players through clenched teeth and retirement threats takes an obvious plot twist, but here we are: Antonio Brown v. Roger Goodell: → Read More
The Start Of The Premier League Means The Start Of Manager-Sacking Season
The Premier League begins Friday. By Sunday, at least one manager will be rumored to be in trouble “if results do not improve.” → Read More
What In The Hell Is Happening In The NL?
I am surprised that Comrade Roth hasn’t mentioned this a couple of hundred times because as a Mets fan he is by definition skin-rash-level annoying, but there’s this: The Mets are now in the National League wild card mosh pit. → Read More
The Raiders Will Be The Death Of Hard Knocks
I do not consider Hard Knocks a part of my sport-watching schedule, so I come to this conclusion solely without bias and based entirely on the hearsay of others, minimal news reports, Antonio Brown’s balloon arrival, and the law of diminishing returns: → Read More
Let's Rebrand The Clippers
Steve Ballmer said he is open to renaming/rebranding his basketball team, which would be noble if the rest of the sentence read, “because the amoral pig who owned this before me turned the enterprise into a urinal and even shouting like a lunatic and bringing Jerry West and Kawhi Leonard on board doesn’t erase that.” → Read More
A Trade Deadline Full Of Sound And Fury And Setup Men
Of the enduring images that make live sports television great, few rival the trade deadline shows for pure unalloyed reality. Men in coats staring at phones that don’t ring, then looking plaintively at each other and the hosts as if to say, “We got nothing here. Go to break, do a puppet show, crack a beer, we don’t care. Nothing is happening at this desk.” → Read More
Get Ready For The Real Tampering Fight
Sure, you people laughed about the new NBA-wags-its-withering-fingers-at-tampering story. Of course you did. You’re still drunk, high, and sleeping on the front lawn about the latest offseason. It’s what you do, because drunken no-limits you is the best you you’ll ever be. → Read More