Malcolm Whitfield
The Hard Times
New York, NY, United States
Contact Malcolm
Discover and connect with journalists and influencers around the world, save time on email research, monitor the news, and more.
| Recent: |
|
| Past: |
|
Past articles by Malcolm:
Adam Sandler Rips Up New Script After Trump Supporter Tases Himself in Balls and Dies
Adam Sandler was forced to destroy the screenplay for his new film after news of a man tasing himself in the testicles until he died rendered the plot unoriginal and derivative. → Read More
Defunded Police Department Forced to Cut Coke with Flour Before Planting on Suspects
A recently defunded Raleigh Police Department has left officers with no choice but to cut their stashes of cocaine with all purpose baking flour over more costly cutting agents. → Read More
Black Woman's Phone Storage Now 86% Messages from White Friends
Imani Phillips found yesterday that her iPhone X’s storage is almost entirely full of overly supportive messages from well-meaning white colleagues. → Read More
Police Dog Doesn’t See Color
A Houston police dog issued a statement responding to allegations of racism in his department, claiming that he personally doesn’t see color while pursuing suspects. → Read More
Music Snob EMT Can’t Decide Which Song to Set Chest Compressions To
A local EMT searched through his Spotify playlist for several minutes before administering chest compressions to a civilian going through cardiac arrest. → Read More
Deceased Sober Punk with No Tattoos Unable to be Buried in Straight Edge Cemetery
The Virginia straight edge scene is split after a controversial ruling left recently deceased Daniel Vitberg unable to be buried in the community cemetery. → Read More
Top 5 Feminist Icons That Also Happen to Be Cartoon Goth Girls That Make Me Horny
Now more than ever we need representation in media, especially in the female cartoon goth department. Women in cartoons are typically shown as subordinates to… → Read More
Self-Described Democratic Socialist Hopes No One Asks Follow Up Question Regarding What That Means
Hayden Reed publicly identified as a “Democratic Socialist” and prayed his words would be taken at face value without any need for him to further elaborate. → Read More
Unclear if Wait Staff Being so Mean Is Part of Diner’s Theme
Patrons of the Davis Square landmark Sue’s Diner are still uncertain whether the staff are paid to be jerks, or if that is just their natural demeanor. → Read More
Punk Rushes Debate Stage to Grab Beto’s Setlist
Graham Mykins caused a commotion at the second Democtratic debate when he rushed the platform in an attempt to obtain the setlist of the former congressman. → Read More
Friend with Least Amount of Shit Together Now Reading Tarot Cards if You’re Interested
A local mess of a human is helping friends learn about themselves through tarot card readings, despite “barely having a handle on her own shit.” → Read More
Don't Even Talk to Me Until I've Had My CBD Oil
I don’t know about you but I am NOT a morning person. From the second I get out of bed and make my way to the kitchen I am in for a DAY without my morning pick-me-up. Whether I’m heading into work or on getting started on my weekend chores, the one thing I know is my day doesn’t even start until I’ve had my first cup of fresh CBD Oil. → Read More
Punk Netflix Account Doesn't Give a Fuck if You're Still Watching
A Netflix marathon was interrupted last night by a message announcing that the service “doesn’t give a fuck if you’re still watching.” → Read More
White Guy Excited to Finally Sit Down and Miss the Point of Childish Gambino Video
Local white guy Trent Langlois was ready to celebrate the music video for Childish Gambino’s “This is America” for all the wrong reasons. → Read More
Pop Punk Vocalist Wears Three Tank Tops to Bundle up for Winter
Pop-punk singer Gavin Blue is preparing for an upcoming cold snap by wearing three tank tops at once to try to stay warm. → Read More
Pop Punk Vocalist Wears Three Tank Tops to Bundle up for Winter
Pop-punk singer Gavin Blue is preparing for an upcoming cold snap by wearing three tank tops at once to try to stay warm. → Read More
High School Vice-Principal Gets It, Used to Be Just Like You
Vice-Principal Wayne McCarthy claimed he can relate with some of his school’s more troubled students, as he “used to be a wild child, just like them.” → Read More
High School Vice-Principal Gets It, Used to Be Just Like You
Vice-Principal Wayne McCarthy claimed he can relate with some of his school’s more troubled students, as he “used to be a wild child, just like them.” → Read More
5 Punk Bars That Have Gone Way Downhill Ever Since They Banned Me For Doing Coke in the Bathroom
These five spots are the biggest wastes of time if you’re a punk purist, or if you wanna do like a little bit of blow even ONE TIME. → Read More
Tom Waits Sued by Dive Bar Bathroom Stall for Plagiarism –
SANTA ROSA, Calif. — Influential songwriter and musician Tom Waits is being sued by a dive bar bathroom stall, alleging the artist has plagiarised lyrics of more than 100 of his songs from its walls, court documents confirmed. The legal team for the stall claims that over the course of more than 40 years, Waits copied the graffiti off of the Granger’s Tavern bathroom stall wall in downtown Santa… → Read More