Ted Pillow
The Hard Times
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Past articles by Ted:
Weird Twin Brothers Voted “Most Likely to Be Rhythm Section in Metal Band”
Twin brothers Earl and Wayne Dunlap were chosen “Most Likely to Be Rhythm Section in Metal Band” by their fellow seniors. → Read More
Review: The Callous Daoboys “Celebrity Therapist”
It's been brought to our attention that we never reviewed a band from Atlanta. Well, that's fixed now. → Read More
Review: Superjoint Ritual “Use Once and Destroy”
Take a trip way back to the days you listened to this album while smoking weed in your dad's pickup truck. → Read More
Ultimate Groupie? I’ve Banged Most of the Guys That Work at This Jimmy John’s
You don’t really hear much about groupies anymore. It seems the days of hooking up with dudes in bands and traveling with them across the country are long gone. Travel doesn’t have the allure it once did, and that’s probably why I’ve boned almost every dude who works at this Jimmy John’s. → Read More
Scandinavian Actor Can’t Remember Which Skarsgård He Is
A tall, blonde-ish actor with Scandinavian roots based in Hollywood is struggling to remember which Skarsgård family member he is. → Read More
Municipal Waste Fan Excited to Learn There’s Also Band With That Name
Lifelong municipal waste enthusiast Rex Grunderson was overjoyed when recently discovered that there’s also a band with that name. → Read More
Review: Basement “Colourmeinkindness”
We typically only review red-blooded American bands, but this week we made an exception for this Basement album. → Read More
Game Show Network Cancels “Win Rammstein’s Money” After Set Burns Down Again
The Game Show Network canceled the metal-and-pyro-themed “Win Rammstein’s Money” after the set burned to the ground for the fourth time this season. → Read More
Review: Cannibal Corpse “Butchered at Birth”
We take a deeper look at some of the messages in this Cannibal Corpse album. → Read More
I Just Want a Woman Who Cooks, Cleans, and Will Kill Me
It’s a bizarre fact of the human condition that we crave things that are bad for us - drinking booze, driving fast cars, smoking cigarettes, listening to Sublime. We can’t help it. → Read More
Review: Pantera “Far Beyond Driven”
Pantera are doing a reunion tour, use this review to refresh your memory. → Read More
PepsiCo Announces New ‘Pepsi Boneless’
Executives at PepsiCo announced the launch of a new beverage called Pepsi Boneless which they hope will break through the discerning Gen Z consumer demographic. → Read More
Son, You’re 12 Now, It’s Time You Learned That Baseball Isn’t Real
Timmy, I need to start treating you like the young man that you are. Hell, you’re practically a teenager. It’s time to grow up, give up on the fantasies of childhood, and embrace the cold realities of adulthood. And the truth is that you’re just way too goddamn old to still think baseball is real. → Read More
Wife Installs Breathalyzer Lock on Husband’s Acoustic Guitar
Frustrated wife Hannah Gerhardt began figured out how to install a breathalyzer on her husband’s acoustic guitar which would keep the hardshell case locked until he sobered up. → Read More
Trent Reznor’s Parents Still Hoping This Whole Goth Thing Just a Phase
Nancy Lou and Michael Reznor remain optimistic that their son Trent’s strange clothing, dour attitude, and obsession with the macabre is nothing more than an adolescent phase. → Read More
Nepotism? My Dad Was The Drunkest Guy In Town And Now I’m The Drunkest Guy In Town
I remember bouncing on my father’s knee when I was just a boy, his breath that comforting aroma of Milwaukee’s Best and 711 taquitos. He gestured in front of us and wistfully remarked, “One day son, all of this could be yours…” → Read More
Tool Fan Misses Entire Set Untangling Ponytail from Nunchucks
Diehard Tool fan Glenn “Stinkfist” Miranda missed the band’s entire set after a brief display of martial arts resulted in him getting a pair nunchucks tangled up in his ponytail. → Read More
OPINION: If You Ask Me, the Real Main Character of “Rocky” is New York City
In the storied history of cinema, there’s certainly no better combination of film and city than “Rocky” and New York City. → Read More
Incubus Once Again Voted Most Popular Band for People Who Almost Did Shrooms Once
Incubus was voted the Most Popular Band for People Who Almost Did Shrooms Once for the 21st consecutive year in an unofficial poll. → Read More
10 Song Meanings Everyone Gets Wrong
If you think you know the story behind these hits, think again. Here are 10 songs with misinterpretations that have become common knowledge and true meanings that will completely shock you. → Read More