Ken Smith
Herald Scotland
United Kingdom
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Past articles by Ken:
Herald Diary: Ken's all-time favourite tales
Comedy gold A DEBT collector for a catalogue company once explained to us the predilection for jewellery among the young women of Glasgow's east end. Starting at Calton, such a woman may wear a single gold necklace and a gold sovereign ring. Further east at Parkhead, a local lady may well have three gold necklaces, gold ear-rings, and four gold rings. Continuing out to Carntyne, a resident is… → Read More
Ken Smith bids a fond farewell to The Herald Diary
A DISEMBODIED voice floated over the filing cabinets strategically placed behind my desk to stop anyone sneaking up behind me. "Would you be… → Read More
The Diary: Cruising for a bruising
So he duly flashed the card at a taxi driver, but it didn't quite work. He drove them to the post office. Milking it A PASSENGER on a cruise ship to St Petersburg told us that a fellow Scot on the trip had stopped at a cafe, where he ordered a cup of tea. As he topped his cup up with milk, a Russian at another table leaned over and declared: "In Russia, only women put milk in their tea." Without… → Read More
Herald Diary: How will you celebrate the kids going back to school?
Prison break NOT every child is keen to go back. One Glasgow grandfather told us that his grandson argued with his mother that he had been going to school for three years, and that was enough for him. Said our reader: "My daughter-in-law gently explained he had to go back. If he didn't she would be taken away to jail for not sending him. "To which he replied, 'For how long?'" Gone to blazes A… → Read More
Herald Diary: Hot stuff
And the toper in the Glasgow pub who felt brave enough to tell his pals: "I was so hot in bed last night I had to cuddle up to the wife to get cold.” Smoking hot GOOD to see the parks being so busy. A reader once told us that he was lounging in Kelvingrove Park when he heard a mother call her daughter over and firmly tell her to put on sunscreen. The daughter dubiously picked up the tube, read… → Read More
Herald Diary: Back in the swing of it
Collared THE late Bishop John Mone of Paisley loved his golf, and once joked at the annual golf competition between Catholic priests and Church of Scotland ministers that he had told folk that he was going away on a course for handicapped clergy. He also explained his rule of thumb that if your golf handicap was higher than eight then you were neglecting your golf. If it was lower than eight you… → Read More
Herald Diary: Capital gains
Sweeping gesture WHEN Tim Vine won a comedy award at the Edinburgh Fringe he declared: "I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a sweepsteak”. Herr herr GERMAN comic Christian Schulte-Loh when appearing at the Fringe told us his website is germancomedian.com. He added: "When I made inquiries, the website with that name was still available. Who would have thought?” And an… → Read More
Herald Diary: Knickers!
Kick starter A READER once claimed that his work colleague was stopped late at night by officers who made a quick investigation of his car and told him his rear lights were out. Knowing that had happened before, the driver got out, kicked the rear light nearest to him and they came back on. The unfazed officer merely told him: "That's fine, sir. Now if you kick the windscreen will your road tax… → Read More
Herald Diary: We're all (mostly) going on a summer holiday
Crushed A STIRLING reader travelling by train to Edinburgh one summer had to endure standing room only in the crowded carriage while the conductor apologised, stating: "This is due to the school holidays and the Edinburgh Festival." "Which of these," wondered our passenger to himself, "took ScotRail by surprise?” Cornered TEACHERS, of course, look forward to the break, including one Glasgow… → Read More
Herald Diary: Wayward Whales and battle royales
Treated royally ONE year at The Herald's Politician of the Year Awards, STV's Colin Mackay, who was MC'ing the shebang, told the audience: "When Nicola Sturgeon met the Queen as First Minister at Buckingham Palace there was some discussion over whether she should curtsy or not. Nicola said, 'Just please yourself'.” Steering the conversation A BOOK about Prince Philip's rough good humour… → Read More
The Diary: American tourists. Don't you love 'em?
What a wheeze AMERICAN singer Norah Jones had one of her band whistling on one of her songs when she appeared at Glasgow's Armadillo, and she told the audience that she herself couldn't whistle. She explained: "I can't whistle blowing out the way, but I can do it a little bit drawing breath in the way. It's weird." To which a Glasgow voice shouted out: "It's called asthma, hen." And talking of… → Read More
Herald Diary: Evergreen gardening tales
Well, well FURTHER north, a Glasgow reader remembered going to Skye on holiday with his parents when he was a youngster. Arriving at a garage there, before self-service pumps, they could find no attendant. A man in his garden opposite shouted over: "Toot on yer horn". Our reader's dad replied: "I'm sorry, but I don't have the Gaelic." And a reader told us of his pal buying a house on Mull with… → Read More
The Herald Diary: Strewth, mate, we are going Down Under
Hip hip hooray HORRIFIC bush fires can also blight Australia. A Renfrewshire reader who read about such fires phoned his elderly aunt in Australia to make sure she was OK. When she answered, he immediately asked: "How are you, auntie? We've been so worried about you." "How did you know?" she asked. Perhaps she thought that news of the fires had not reached Britain so he said: "It's all over the… → Read More
Herald Diary: When a future Labour leader was collared by the law
In a flap NOW who is willing to admit that they can agree with former Strictly Come Dancing contestant the Rev Richard Coles who colourfully declared yesterday: "How I know I’m fat: when I’m shaking, vigorously, an upturned Nando’s Hot Sauce bottle my jowls flap like the sails of a caravelle rounding the Cape of Good Hope in a storm"? Car trouble MARRIED life, continued. An exasperated wife… → Read More
Herald Diary: Underground humour
Chips are down A REMINISCING reader once told us: "As a student in the seventies I used the 'shoogly' every day. The late-night trains had a conductor who, summer and winter, wore an ankle-length overcoat with his whistle attached to a chain that reached the floor. He would wander up and down the carriage helping himself to chips from passengers' carry-out suppers, so presumably offsetting his… → Read More
Herald Diary: Should there be a confirmatory vote on the royal baby name?
Raising eyebrows GROWING old, continued. A Renfrewshire reader tells us: "When I was in my twenties someone described me as 'wild and untamed'. Now I reserve that description for my eyebrows." Raise a glass IT was announced that the film Mrs Lowry & Son, about the relationship between artist LS Lowry and his mum, starring Timothy Spall, will be premiered at the Edinburgh International Film… → Read More
Herald Diary: Students, eh? What a bunch...
A no brainer WHEN Cardonald College merged with Anniesland and Langside colleges to form Glasgow Clyde College it reminded us of when the late great Glasgow students' charity magazine Ygorra made reference to a student "who was so stupid he would have difficulty obtaining entrance to Cardonald College". It was claimed the college principal complained and was given the retraction "Ygorra accepts… → Read More
Herald Diary: Just Billy, not Caesar
What's in a name BILLY was of course both captain and later manager of Celtic. Former goalie Peter Latchford told the story that when Billy was appointed Celtic manager he got the players together to tell them that there was now a divide between him and the players. He went on at length about how he was no longer "Big Man" or whatever, and that he was now "The Manager" or even "Mr McNeill". At… → Read More
The Herald Diary: Easter funnies
Bet on it HOLIDAYING at Easter was a Glasgow chap who had been persuaded by his family to go pony trekking in the Lake District. Being a tad dubious about the venture, he asked his wife as they were putting on their riding helmets, and surveying the four-legged beasts in front of them: "How can I pick the slowest one?" "Put a bet on it," his wife replied. "That usually works for you.” Let's face… → Read More
The Diary: Dampening the spirits
On the case TALKING of travelling to London overnight, a reader did so one Paisley Fair Friday when a well-dressed and well-refreshed businessman came on board, threw away the ticket from a reserved seat, sat down and began to sing The Song Of The Clyde before falling asleep. Said our reader: "He only woke to dodge the ticket collector during the night. When we arrived at Euston he disappeared… → Read More