Kelly Green
Romper
Iowa, United States
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Past articles by Kelly:
Advice For New Dads On Leaving The Hospital
It’s absurd. You walk in excited, a couple on the cusp of an adventure. You walk out, battered, bruised (well, one of you) and confused. How do you keep this thing alive? No one is going to tell you. There should be a printout of basic advice for… → Read More
I Am That Mom, Breaking All The Rules You Fearfully Obey
Let me start out by saying that in general, I am a rule follower. I have never been to jail; I have never even been arrested. You could even say I like rules, because they help me know how to behave in a given situation. They are like a tiny… → Read More
How To Kiss A New Mom
For many weeks after we’d come home from the hospital with our first (and only) child, I felt like I’d been in a car accident. It hurt to walk. It hurt to sit. It hurt to shower. I turned in on myself, hunching in physical and emotional pain. I sat… → Read More
What We Should Tell New Moms When They Check Out of The Hospital
Good luck. There is no going back. This is officially the only thing there is no going back on. This baby lives at your house now. It may be for eighteen years, may be for longer. All I can tell you is that once you check out of the hospital with… → Read More
My Husband Said No To A Doula, & I'm Still Pissed
It’s been three years since I gave birth. I didn’t believe everyone when they said that after I gave birth, I’d forget the intensity of the pain, or the annoyance of having two people housed in my small body, but I really kind of have. I know it was… → Read More
How I Got Over My Breastfeeding Jealousy
I have no problem admitting jealousy. The little green monster is a friend. Not a good friend — like the kind you can count on to answer the phone when you call at midnight — but jealousy is still a friend. Because it teaches me something. The… → Read More
I Didn't Ask For Help After I Had My Baby, But I Needed It Badly
I sat at home for six weeks after I had my baby. Alone. I mean, my husband’s mom came over twice and his stepmom came over twice, but I was mostly alone. I didn’t take walks and I didn’t ask anyone to help after birth; to come sit in the living room… → Read More
I Forced My Toddler To Eat, & In This Game Of Thrones, I Lost
My child eats like a spoiled billionaire. One day, he loves broccoli. The next day, he will throw every tree of it off of his high chair. (The dog pretty much lives in the kitchen now, waiting for mealtime airborne objects and post-meal floor-cleanin… → Read More
I Cannot Worry About My Picky Eater Right Now
Our baby began eating solids around five months. Feeding him prior to that was a mixture of heaven and hell. Breastfeeding had been hard, but the end of that time gave way to formula — a lot of bottles to clean, but a simple process. Shake the formul… → Read More
On Tip Prompts and Tip Regrets
Giving — in any situation — does not usually end up making us feel bad. → Read More
I Use Coconut Oil for My Baby’s Skin Because It’s One The Thing In Parenting I Feel Good About
I grew up in the era of Johnson & Johnson. The trademark pink bottle signifies a baby is near. It feels familiar to me, and the scent smells comforting. Like sweetness. I was given the lotion at my baby showers, along with other baby lotions. But I h… → Read More
The Cost of Feeling “At Home”
We just moved to a new place (I can’t call it home yet) and I am straining to feel comfortable here. → Read More
Delivering Love
A local flower store needed 37 delivery drivers for Valentine's Day. I decided I would be one of them. → Read More
The Dynamic Saving Power of Anger
Anger has saved me so much money. → Read More
My Endless Anxiety Is Proof Our Definition Of "Postpartum" Is B.S.
I used to be cool as hell. Super carefree. I would pack up my things at a moment’s notice and head out into the great unknown. I wasn't a worrier; the YOLO ran deep. That all ended with the conception and birth of my baby. Becoming a mother turned me… → Read More
The First Time I Met My OB Was During Labor & Delivery
I met my obstetrician for the first time in my 38th week of pregnancy. A roll of the dice? Maybe. Changing doctors so late in the game wasn't my plan, obviously — I do not recommend traipsing from practice to practice looking for an OB who will allow… → Read More
They Paid Me for Being Liked –
I have been job-hopping for a lifetime. My ratio is one job/contract of work per year of life, since birth. (I’m 38.) I’d had SO MANY JOBS. And I keep taking them, because everywhere I turn, I am… → Read More
Dear Man In The Office Lactation Room: GTFO
Hi. Hey! Hi! Can you spare a moment? I wanted to talk to you. Are you comfortable? Before I begin, I want to make sure that you are comfortable.Can I get you anything before we start? A glass of water? A glass of Sprite? A cigar? Anyway, I just wan → Read More
I Confronted My Mother-In-Law About How Much She Hates Me, & It Was Tough But Necessary
I know most of us tend to think of ourselves as "good" people, and I am no exception. I like to think I have a big heart, and it influences everything I do. I also can be pretty charming, which might sound egotistical, but it's true. I'm pretty good … → Read More
The Cozy AF Sweater That Saved Me Postpartum
During the early stages of my pregnancy, I made a trip with my husband to the Gap in downtown Chicago. Inside that huge, multi-level Gap store, I found a sweater on sale that I immediately knew I had to have. It was expensive — about $40, even though… → Read More