Matt Carpenter
Wonkette
Chicago, IL, United States
Contact Matt
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Past articles by Matt:
Elizabeth Warren Will Rip Off SEC Chair’s Head, Sh*t Down Her Neck
Elizabeth Warren has had it with government agencies cozying up to the corporations they're support to regulate. → Read More
What Are Airline Passengers Freaking Out About These Days? Why, Muslims, Of Course
Looks like we picked the wrong week to start racial profiling. Wait -- there's no right week. → Read More
Everybody So Mean To Poor, Criminal Wells Fargo. Thank God Mitch McConnell Is Making It Right!
It wasn't long ago when Wells Fargo purged its payrolls of industrious retail bankers who opened up unauthorized accounts for their customers. Following → Read More
First You Get The Sugar, Then You Get The Lobbyists, Then You Get The Cover-Ups
And you thought the tobacco industry had a monopoly on dirty tricks like this! → Read More
Walmart And Coca Cola Team Up For 2016’s Best 9/11 Tribute!
9/11 turns fifteen this weekend. In honor of this occasion, a Florida Walmart wants you to celebrate the tragedy's Quinceanera with cases of Coca-Cola sugar → Read More
Obama’s Labor Day Executive Order So Un-American That It Helps Workers
Happy Labor Day Weekend, WonkSquad! Are you spending it like your average American worker, drunk and with your family? Or are you spending it like your average → Read More
Barack Obama Founded ISIS With His Number Two ISIS Guy, ‘Twitter’
Britain, our little big brother, continues to partner with the rest of us in the War On Terror. But it's frustrated with the continued existence of ISIS and its → Read More
Rich People Don’t Like Their Gelato Treats :/ And More In Your Class-War Roundup!
America is at its best when teaming up with its patriotic contractors to blow enormous piles of cash on military programs. And none blow more than the F-35. → Read More
Wall Street Traders May Soon Have To Live On Burger King ‘Whopperitos.’ The Horror.
Guys, big banks just need a few more years to figure out how to add more loopholes to financial rule Esteemed Wall Street banks are on their knees asking the → Read More
Sasha Obama Takes Job From Real American
Good news on the labor front this week. Not only are we in the midst of a record 77 consecutive months of job growth, but real wages are also going up. That's → Read More
Plastic Industry-Funded Study Shows Plastic Is Awesome For Planet, Wow!
Also, news about Marissa Mayer and Totino's pizza rolls! But not about Marissa Mayer eating Totino's pizza rolls, because she would never. → Read More
Rick Snyder Picks Former BP Lobbyist To Protect Michigan’s Environment. What Could Go Wrong?
Michigan's brand new head of Environmental Quality helped manage BP's response to the Gulf oil spill. Are there any pelicans in Michigan? → Read More
Uber Diversifying Its Force Of Independent Robot Contractors
In its quest to be the largest company without a single "employee," Uber outsourced security at one of its San Francisco parking lots to a 300 pound egg-shaped → Read More
Apple Gets Patent To Destroy Its Own Creation
Former startup Apple is valiantly sticking up for the entertainment industry with a new patent designed to thwart obnoxious iPhone recordings. Have to say, → Read More
Which Bank Is Just Going To Pay A Big Ol’ Meaningless Fine This Week?
It's your week in corporate malfeasance. Get out your pitchforks! → Read More
DNC Chair Day Late And Dollar Short On Regulating Payday Lenders, Now Owes $300?
Democratic National Committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz missed the boat on regulating payday loans. Now the loan company is going to take her boat. → Read More
McDonald’s Determines Blind Man Does Not Deserve Fries With That
Remember that time the old lady spilled McDonald's insanely hot coffee in her lap and was awarded a multi-million dollar judgment? Then everyone freaked the → Read More
At Least Your Boss Didn’t Make You Spend Your Unpaid Sunday With Mitt Romney
Some thought coal magnate Robert Murray of corporate beheamoth Murray Energy broke the law when he made his people attend a 2012 Mitt Romney rally on a fucking → Read More
Poor Exxon Finds Congressional White Knight To Take On Government Bullies
Thank God this nice congressman will fight off the scientists pretending global warming 'exists.' → Read More
Cool Down From Your Next Payless-Shoe-Fire With A Frosty Mug Of America
It's your week in tales from the CLASS WAR! What are those hero corporate persons up to this week??? You know, some stuff. → Read More