Carl Hiaasen
Tallahassee Democrat
Florida, United States
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Past articles by Carl:
The last thing Florida GOP wants is more voter participation
The 2020 election went so smoothly and handled such a huge turnout that Florida Republicans are moving fast to make sure it doesn’t happen again. → Read More
Despite COVID, Florida's Republican leaders think your kids, their teachers are expendable
In his Trump-ordered push to reopen public schools, Gov. DeSantis has muzzled local health departments to ensure Tallahassee is calling the shots. → Read More
Play hard to get, Gov. DeSantis. Trump needs you more than you need him
More than half of those surveyed still said DeSantis is doing a good job, which puts him in better shape than the president. → Read More
It’s much too early to pay attention to the race for president. Think wharf rats
Self-help guru Marianne Williamson doesn’t have a chance. And nobody is going to elect someone named Hickenlooper president. Bill De Blasio, Andrew Yang, Eric Swalwell and Tulsi Gabbard should drop out of the race, too → Read More
Virgin's Brightline train dreams are going to be derailed
Alas, poor Sir Richard. You have come to a place that's famous for making smart guys look stupid. → Read More
Virgin’s Brightline train dreams are going to be derailed
Richard Branson is investing actual money in the crazy plan to run a high-speed train from downtown Miami to the Orlando airport via Cocoa, of all places. → Read More
Parkland deputy who failed to confront school shooter must be haunted by decision
Scot Peterson has said he didn’t go into the building because he thought the sniper was outside, firing at people. That contradicts other first-hand accounts, and prosecutors say the deputy was duty-bound to advance toward the gunshots. → Read More
If a woman named ‘Bingbing’ isn’t enough for movie deal, what is?
Chinese nationals, including Cindy Yang, who owns the Palm Beach day spa where Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly had sex with prostitutes, might have illegally funneled funds to Donald Trump’s campaign. → Read More
'Geez, was I ever as bad as this guy?!' 'No, Mr. Nixon, of course not . . .'
On TV, the mortal president began to fulminate, veering from one random topic to another. On it went. → Read More
‘Geez, was I ever as bad as this guy?!’ ‘No, Mr. Nixon, of course not . . .’
Carl Hiaasen imagines President Nixon asking about Trump: “Is he insane, or is this just an act?” → Read More
Apparently, DeSantis is not the environmentalist we thought he was
An extravagant road-building package approved by the Florida Legislature and sent to the governor promised to answer one big question that’s been hanging over Tallahassee: → Read More
Teachers with guns only makes sense to lawmakers who have lost their minds
From the What-Could-Possibly-Go-Wrong? Department. → Read More
Teachers with guns only makes sense to lawmakers who have lost their minds
Carl Hiaasen says that Republicans’ fantasy scenario is a social studies teacher-turned-marksman, coolly whipping out his Glock and taking down an active shooter. Guess again. → Read More
Forget impeachment — there’s a better way to get Donald Trump out of office
The House of Representatives could easily vote for articles of impeachment, but the Republican-controlled Senate will never convict Donald Trump. A better way to get him out of office is to vote him out, columnist Carl Hiaasen says. → Read More
Please — PLEASE — blur the Robert Kraft day-spa videos
The male body doesn't improve with age, and at 77 there isn't a man alive who still looks like Orlando Bloom. → Read More
Please — PLEASE — blur the Robert Kraft day-spa videos
The male body doesn’t improve with age, and at 77 there isn’t a man alive who still looks like Orlando Bloom. → Read More
‘Just pig out at the Mar-a-Lago buffet table. They’ll never know you’re a spy’
Urgent update to Foreign Spy Manual, post-Obama Edition: “Revised List of Tips for Infiltrating Presidential Vacation Retreats.” Please read, memorize and burn: → Read More
‘Just pig out at the Mar-a-Lago buffet table. They’ll never know you’re a spy’
Carl Hiaasen has some updated instructions for those cozying up to President Trump with ill intent. → Read More
When mass-shooting conspiracy theorists go low, they then go even lower
Once again, a cross-country slime trail leads to Florida. → Read More
Hmmm. Imagine if Obama hadn’t been such a boy scout
Carl Hiaasen wonders: “What if Barack Obama had been more like Donald Trump?” → Read More