Joanna Rothkopf
Jezebel
New York, NY, United States
Contact Joanna
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Past articles by Joanna:
I Did It for the Blog
This Sunday, I got the worst cold I’ve gotten in three years, forcing me to become a mouth breather. My lips are chapped, I have a cold sore, and I keep snorting to keep mucus from running into my mouth. Plus, I have some kind of stomach virus that’s making me feel like I desperately have to poo but simultaneously like I never will again, and I have a sharp, alarming pain right in the middle of… → Read More
Goodbye to Ellie Shechet, the World's Only Ansel Elgort Beat Reporter
Ellie Shechet is a unique, thrilling combination of meticulous reporter, brilliant humorist, sharply insightful essayist, and die-hard Ansel Elgort fan. Her list of dietary restrictions is as long as her heart is big. And now she is leaving Jezebel. → Read More
The Age of Aquaria is Upon Us
JOANNA: Last night you texted me, “I feel insane/ soaring highs/ followed by dark lows/ moral emergencies.” I feel like that’s a good place to start. → Read More
Mayonnaise Is Next to Godliness in These Summer Salads
If you went to a barbecue this summer and said, “Hey, what’s for eats?” and the host (a nice guy who has a grill and wants you to know it!) said, “Dogs and burgs,” you’d probably think, “Sounds like a barbecue to me.” But then, moments later, you’d be struck with a niggling sensation that something wasn’t quite right. Could it be that your meal is not complete? → Read More
Pro-Life Group Has Nothing to Say About Children in Cages
Thousands of families are being separated at the United States border thanks to Attorney General Jeff Sessions’s unfathomably cruel “zero tolerance” policy. As a result, thousands of children are being kept in prison-like facilities; employees and volunteers are prohibited from touching them for any reason. → Read More
Ivana Trump and an Italian Millionaire Would Like to Sell You Diet Pasta
NEW YORK, NY—On Wednesday, Ivana Trump, businesswoman, ex-wife of the president, and mother to his three most odious children, officially launched her campaign to fight adult obesity in the United States by way of a diet of pasta and cookies. The event was held at the headquarters of American excess itself, the Oak Room at the Plaza Hotel. A few initial questions: Why? Who asked her? What is… → Read More
Sex and the City Season 6, Explained
For the 20th anniversary of Sex and the City—which premiered on HBO on June 6, 1998 and went on to become iconic prestige television—Jezebel is doing a week of posts dedicated to our favorite band of sexual women friends. → Read More
Congratulations to Cooke (????) Maroney (????)
Jennifer freaking Lawrence, Katniss of Everdeen, ex-girlfriend of Darren Aronofsky, third highest paid actress in Hollywood, is reportedly dating someone named “Cooke Maroney.” Coincidentally, I could’ve sworn I went to college with a “Cooke Maroney,” and that he was known for pooing on our dorm hallway floor and for being the nephew of the founder of a sneaker brand that rhymes with “spikey.”* → Read More
Every Non-White Character on Sex and the City
For the 20th anniversary of Sex and the City—which premiered on HBO on June 6, 1998 and went on to become iconic prestige television—Jezebel is doing a week of posts dedicated to our favorite band of sexual women friends. → Read More
Sex and the City Season 2, Explained
For the 20th anniversary of Sex and the City—which premiered on HBO on June 6, 1998 and went on to become iconic prestige television—Jezebel is doing a week of posts dedicated to our favorite band of sexual women friends. → Read More
A Journey Into the Righteous, Risk-Averse World of Faith-Based Films
Almost 15 years ago, Mel Gibson directed The Passion of the Christ, a biblical drama that’s in many ways the ultimate Christian film. The movie made $84 million in its opening weekend and sent a thunderclap across an industry that was once considered (rudely, but perhaps not unfairly) to be the dominion of the godless and the Jews. In the New York Times, Frank Rich called 2004 “the year of The… → Read More
In Honor of Sex and the City's 20th Anniversary: Season 1, Explained
For the 20th anniversary of Sex and the City—which premiered on HBO on June 6, 1998 and went on to become iconic prestige television—Jezebel is doing a week of posts dedicated to our favorite band of sexual women friends. → Read More
Westworld's 'Les Écorchés' Flayed My Brain
Last season, Westworld had a couple of really great, fast-paced puzzle episodes that focused hard on dislodging viewers from our comfortable position in a single timeframe. The result was a pleasant confusion and slight nausea, like a propeller plane doing a rapid but controlled plummet. → Read More
Would You Have Sex With the Phillie Phanatic?
The Phillie Phanatic, the Philadelphia Phillies’ (baseball) mascot, is six feet, six inches and 300 pounds of “mostly fat,” covered in green fur. According to his official biography, he has “clumsy feet, extra long beak, extra-long curled up tongue, gawking neck, and ‘slight’ case of body odor.” On Thursday, Jezebel saw a photograph of a topiary that reminded someone of him, and so the important… → Read More
Alexa Is a Messy Bitch Who Lives for Drama!!!
To all the simple and naive individuals who thought that Amazon’s Alexa was essentially your property, your loyal lackey who will stand by your side no matter how much verbal abuse she receives, no matter how many times you shout toward her, “ALEXA, GOOGLE JOANNA ROTHKOPF. ALEXA, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM. ALEXA, FUCK YOU”: Sorry. Alexa is actually a highly messy bitch who looks out exclusively for… → Read More
This Memorial Day Weekend, Make 1 of These Dips, The Food of God Herself
Close your eyes—but don’t really; keep reading. Imagine you’re holding a Ruffles With Ridges potato chip in your right hand. It’s perfect: golden and oblong, curved like a wide-ass polynomial function, or Kim Kardashian’s perfume bottle’s hips; sturdy, yet supple. You fly that chip through the air, whizzing every which way—you’re playing a game now, you’re an air force pilot avoiding enemy… → Read More
Will Someone Please Allow Koku, Perhaps the Oldest Woman in the World, to Die?
Koku Istambulova is, at 128, the oldest living person, according to the Russian government, and she would desperately like to die. → Read More
Waiting for the Beat to Drop With My EDM Freak Mother
If my mom wasn’t my mom, I’d be convinced she spent her childhood as a character from an iconic, subtly bizarre kid’s book—like Meg from A Wrinkle in Time, though instead of zipping through space via tesseract, my mother was inventing complicated melodrama about the personal lives of the trees that lined her block. → Read More
Would You Do the Westworld Thing We Just Found Out You Can Maybe Do Despite Minor Glitches?
Sunday’s episode of Westworld, “The Riddle of the Sphinx,” gave you (me) that follow-up panic attack to your (my) “San Junipero” episode of Black Mirror-related meltdown. → Read More
Mother's Day Movies, Ranked
Mother’s Day, a Sunday, is a wonderful opportunity to take in cinema. All the better if it’s thematically appropriate. → Read More