Teddy Wayne
Timothy McSweeney
New York, NY, United States
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Past articles by Teddy:
Pitch Me the Next Pandemic, You Useless Dumbfucks
A secret underground bio lab. Four men sit around a table in shadows. BOSS: Listen up, dumbfucks. No matter what the egghead epidemiologists say ab... → Read More
Teachable Moments with the Anti-Vaxxer Family
Strangers MOM: So if a strange man says I asked him to pick you up after school, what do you do, Henry? TODDLER: Ask him what my name is. If he get... → Read More
A Quiet Evening at Home With Don, Jr. and Kimberly
DON, JR.: Hey, man, welcome to mi casa! You like the custom doorbell? “Enter Sandman” — fucking genius, right? KIMBERLY: (from the kitchen) Babe? D... → Read More
Raising a Nontoxic Man
How vulnerably nontoxic should my son make himself in a world that preys on the undefended — but whose opposite is the grotesque alpha-male caricature? → Read More
I Hate Trump’s Awful Policies, But I Love That He’s a Huge Asshole
Look, everyone makes compromises when they vote for a politician. Democrats ignored Bill Clinton’s philandering because they liked the job he was d... → Read More
My Daily Routine: Jasper Newman, 8 Months Old
No matter how successful you are, you can always grow your network, so I try to meet one new baby a day. Granted, it’s easier when you’re in day care. → Read More
The United Texts of America
We’ll be hearing from the president. Here’s how that might go. → Read More
Are My Friends Really My Friends?
The quantity of human interactions has increased, but the quality is arguably diminished. → Read More
More Appropriate White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner Jokes for 2019
Good evening, and welcome to the 2019 White House Correspondents’ Association dinner. After last year’s uproar, I’ve been instructed to use only di... → Read More
GOP Retirement Announcement Template
My constituents / fellow Americans / comrades in the Kremlin, serving you has been the greatest privilege / honor / cash cow of my life. But with w... → Read More
Clap On Your Bose, Baby, ’Cause It’s Noisy as Heck Out There
The ding of texts and tweets; the tap of typing; the blurt of video games, the click of the camera shutter — all part of the new dystopian audioscape. → Read More
The World According to Trump
Two Mexicans are at the border. A guard patrols nearby. FIRST MEXICAN: Psst… help me throw this sack of drugs over the border. SECOND MEXICAN: So t... → Read More
Choose Your Own Public Apology
A buffet of options to help explain your failings. → Read More
Amazon Key Is a Lot Less Scary Than My Post-1-Click Remorse
The ghosts of the sneakers I didn’t buy are following me around the World Wide Web! An in-store purchase is more satisfying, studies confirm. → Read More
247 Ball: Luxury Gentrification in an Up-and-Coming Neighborhood!
’Sup, fam? So, you’re a 22-to-34-year-old unmarried or recently married urban professional, and you need a sick pad to do your thang in. Peep the n... → Read More
Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Forgiveness
To errr is human, to forgive — oh, Jesus, you screwed up the spelling of “err.” You can’t even get a three-letter word right, for fuck’s sake. Look, I’m sorry, but this amanuensis internship just isn’t working out. No, I’m not willing to give you a second chance. Please have your stuff out by the end of the day. → Read More
What We Talk About When We Talk About and Exactly Like Trump
The president has lodged his pronouncements in our collective memory and discourse like no other public figure in recent history. → Read More
Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Home
There’s no place like home, the new hiply lower-cased hotel chain. home provides bare-bones accommodations for a fraction of the cost of more expen... → Read More
Grandpa Had a Pension. This Generation Has Cryptocurrency.
After years as a niche market for technologically sophisticated anarchists and libertarians, digital coins may be on the verge of going mainstream. → Read More
Thanks to Venmo, We Now All Know How Cheap Our Friends Are
The app “changes friendships and makes them more transactional,” one user said. “It’s nickel-and-diming everything, literally.” → Read More