Alistair Dabbs
The Register
United Kingdom
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Past articles by Alistair:
Tinfoil hat brigade switches brand allegiance to bog paper
Something for the Weekend, Sir? If there's something I can't stand, it's those stupid columns people write for IT news websites. Before they made the move online, columnists used to write their tedious opinions in computer magazines. And it was back then, as a budding sub-editor of the tedious musings of better experienced* and more qualified** journalists than myself, that my distaste of their… → Read More
What's inside a tech freelancer's backpack? That's right, EVERYTHING
You might have free coffee pods but I've got pen and paper → Read More
Sure, check through my background records… but why are you looking at my record collection?
Where do I see myself in five years' time? On parole with a bit of luck → Read More
'Don't tell anyone but I have a secret.' There, that's my security sorted
Something for the Weekend, Sir? Where's my free promo tat? Fellow convention attendees have no such problem being showered with promotional gifts from all sides as they totter up and down the rows of booths. You can see them staggering back to their hotel rooms, arms full of corporate-branded freebies, where they have prepared an empty suitcase specifically for shipping it all back to their BOFH… → Read More
Can AI-enhanced virtual sports presenters do the job? It's a big ask
The ball's in your park and I'm just happy for the team → Read More
Hear, hear: The first to invent idiot-cancelling headphones gets my cash
Something for the Weekend, Sir? Speak up. (La la la la la.) Say what? (La la la la la.) No, sorry, can't hear a thing. The uniformed gentleman standing by my train seat stops soundlessly moving his lips and begins miming instead. First class is great: a wide seat, an electrical socket all to yourself, and now I'm getting treated to performance art in the aisle. It's not a film or a book but he's… → Read More
Will Asimov fix my doorbell? There should be a law about this
‘Computer systems must do no harm’ ... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... → Read More
Clunk, whirr, buzz, whine. Shared office space can be a riot and sounds like one too
And what about my buttocks, eh? → Read More
Help! I'm trapped on Schrodinger's runaway train! Or am I..?
Something for the Weekend, Sir? Sitting in my tin can far away from home, I marvel that I got here at all. No, not a tin can. It's a budget hotel room with lots of space, which is an oddity. Apparently, even in cheap lodgings they still maintain a room wider than one's outstretched arms – the backpacker digs' equivalent of a royal suite (i.e. with its own bucket) – and I'm in it. And it's all… → Read More
Flying taxis? That'll be AFTER you've launched light sabres and anti-gravity skateboards
Sorry, I've misplaced my ticket again. Where's my head at? → Read More
How do you ascertain user acceptability if you keep killing off the users?
Something for the Weekend, Sir? Brussels sprouts make excellent projectiles, but only if they're boiled and undercooked. This much I discovered from experience as a youngster in the school refectory as we drew towards this festive time of year. Ho ho ho, what japes. I use the term "refectory" with precision: high ceiling, wood-panelled walls, long tables with benches, starchy odour, cold. There… → Read More
Why can't passport biometrics see through my cunning disguise?
Something for the Weekend, Sir? The customs officer likes my smile. He smiles back. Phew, another passage through international arrivals achieved without the slightest whiff of latex and talc. Still, these passport checks are getting longer and I don't mean the queueing. I mean the time I have to stand in front of the little booth while a uniformed gent – it's almost never a woman outside the… → Read More
Close the windows, it's coming through the walls: Copper Cthulu invades Dabbsy's living room
Something for the Weekend, Sir? Guess what I'm doing with my hands right now. Typing on the keyboard, obviously. I can't help it if "right now" for you represents a different point in the relative time-space continuum. Who knows what I will be doing with my hands once you get around to reading this? For me, right now, I'm still typing it. Talking of timeslip, there is a wormhole in every shared… → Read More
American firms get a 90-day to wrap up deals with 'dangerous' Chinese supplier; that's Huawei the news goes
US telcos will be able to continue doing business with Huawei for the time being. This after the US Department of Commerce issued a 90-day extension on the Temporary General License (TGL) order that lets companies continue to work with Huawei under certain circumstances. The TGL order, first posted in May of this year, had already been extended once back in August and, had it not been re-issued,… → Read More
Can't you hear me knocking? But I installed a smart knocker
Something for the Weekend, Sir? Help, I forgot my keys! Oh yes, of course – ah don' need no stinkin' keys, my front door locks smartly. I took some convincing before taking the smart lock plunge but now I'll never go back. Carrying the immense weight of two metal keys on my person, and suffering from all the discomfort and inconvenience that implies, was such a worry all the time – especially… → Read More
Here are some deadhead jobs any chatbot could take over right now
And how I got blackmailed by a computerised French lesson → Read More
Bet you can't guess what I'm wearing, or where I'm wearing it
Something for the Weekend, Sir? Thrilling news: my Libra account is ready! I can barely restrain my excitement. Nor can I adequately express my bemusement, given that I never signed up to buy into Facebook's craptos in the first place. Indeed, no one can – possibly ever. Yet I received my confirmation this very morning. That is, it arrived a few days ago but my silly email program diverted it… → Read More
We're late and we're unreliable but we won't invalidate your warranty: We're engineers!
Something for the Weekend, Sir? My pants are on fire. Would you like to take a look? Of course you wouldn't, don't be ridiculous. Besides, my shreddies are not ablaze at all. I was fibbing. No doubt they may be found later tonight dangling from some pole or gallows. Even if my nicknacks did catch alight, calling the emergency services would be a short-term measure, and even then only for a… → Read More
I discovered the world's last video rental kiosk and it would make a great spaceship
Something for the Weekend, Sir? I wish to be recycled. Not out of environmental guilt, mind. It's just that I find that crusty old stuff that's been recycled tends to be considered cool – certainly much trendier and in-demand than it was beforehand. Just think: tedious old fart + recycling = next-gen retro fashion icon. Take, for example, these products from ArtJL, a company run by an endearing… → Read More
Not a death spiral, I'm trapped in a closed loop of customer experience
Something for the Weekend, Sir? I've got myself stuck in a ring. Yes, again. Medical assistance may be required. What I need is a Doctor of Logic because I am frequently trapped into closed loops of nonsensical barmpottery as I tiptoe between the narrow electrified fences that define the path of hot coals risibly referred to as "customer experience". Here's an example: I just moved house. I'd… → Read More