Louie Aronowitz
Timothy McSweeney
New York, NY, United States
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Past articles by Louie:
Candy Heart Messages After Elon Musk Buys Sweethearts for $44 Billion
I SUPPORT FREEDOM OF SPEECH UNLESS YOU ANSWER NO TO BEING MY VALENTINE I WOULD STEAL MEMES 4 U LET ME ACQUIRE YOUR LOVE AND THEN DECLARE MYSELF THE... → Read More
Green Day Coffee Company Keeps Reusing Same Three Roasts
Green Day’s newest venture, Oakland Coffee, was criticized for using the same three bland roasts over and over again, confirmed multiple caffeinated sources. → Read More
Band Practice Derailed After Older Brother Hooks Up N64 in Basement
Pop punk band Silver Glitter's weeknight rehearsal was cut short when the drummer’s older brother hooked up a Nintendo 64 in the basement, confirmed sources in the middle of a "Goldeneye" tournament. → Read More
You Guys Actually Sounded Better From Outside
I had such a great time at your show! I’m so glad I went! Oh yeah, I stepped outside after the first 30 seconds. But don't worry. Despite what you might have thought, I was supporting you. I definitely did not just go inside to show my face for 30 seconds and then go home. I was just outside because you actually sounded way better out there. → Read More
Loser Alert: This Person Said They Like Our Band
I don’t want to be overly judgmental of anyone, but let’s be honest, if you like our shitty local band then you're a goddamn loser. → Read More
10 Songs You Didn’t Know Were Based On The 1997 Film “Con Air”
Which one is your favorite? → Read More
I Helped Load in by Carrying the Emotional Burden
How dare you say I didn’t help load in. While you were carrying that 900-pound bass cabinet down the narrow, poorly lit, iced-over stairwell, I was carrying the emotional burden of being in this band. And we all know that’s the larger load. → Read More
If You Were a Real Friend You Wouldn’t Have Invited Me to Your Show in the First Place
How date you acuse me of not being a true friend. Sure, I didn’t come to the show after I clicked yes on the invite. But that doesn't make me a bad friend. I felt like I had to say yes! I didn’t see any other option whatsoever. And that's on you. Honestly, if you were a real friend you wouldn’t have put me in that position in the first place. → Read More
Group Chat Goes Silent After Man Shares Bandcamp Link
A recent posting of singer/songwriter Dan Sheen’s Bandcamp link has silenced his local friend group chat despite being requested. → Read More
First Drafts of Classic Movie Quotes
“Mrs. Robinson, are you stuck in the dryer?” — The Graduate (1967) “You’re gonna need a boat. Wait, are we on a boat? Fuck, I’m so high right now.”... → Read More
First Drafts of the Greatest Opening Sentences in Literature
“Call me Greg.” — Moby-Dick “Yep, that’s me… you’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation…” — The Metamorphosis “Life is a highway... → Read More
It’s Often More Long Term Feasible To Compromise With the Machine
Sure it’s empowering to act on emotion and rage against the machine, but as you get older, you’ll learn that an idealistic outlook is unsustainable when put into practice. The far more logical approach is to find a middle ground from which to work with the machine. → Read More
Opinion: This Means That Celebrity Imagine Video Worked
First and foremost, we want to say congratulations President Biden! Well, moreso good riddance Donald Trump but six in one hand, half dozen in the… → Read More
Marty McFly Now Mostly Using Time Machine to Un-Drunk Dial Ex
Marty McFly admitted today that he now mostly uses his time machine to go back in 12-hour intervals and stop himself from drunk dialing his ex-girlfriend. → Read More
33-Year-Old Patiently Awaits High School Crush’s Divorce
Local single man Cameron Barrett admitted today that he’s been patiently waiting for his high school crush to get divorced so he can finally ask her on a date. → Read More
Friend Skims Few Seconds of Album You Worked on for 9 Years
Your close lifelong friend skimmed through a few seconds of your labor-of-love magnum opus that took nearly a decade to complete before dismissing it forever. → Read More
Coronavirus Instantly Cured After Scientists Discover It Can Cause Erectile Dysfunction
A team of male researchers reportedly discovered the cure for COVID-19 yesterday, mere seconds after a correlation between the disease and E.D. was noticed. → Read More
Neuralink Brain Chip Comes Preloaded with Memories of New U2 Record
Elon Musk’s startup Neuralink will outfit humans with a brain chip that will come preloaded with memories of the latest U2 record. → Read More
Police Department Reminded to Not Wear White Hoods After Labor Day
Milwaukee Chief of Police Roger Brooks held a department-wide meeting today to remind his officers not to wear their white hoods after Labor Day. → Read More
Billy Joel Reveals “Piano Man” Started out as Pitch for Mega Man Villain
Legendary singer/songwriter Billy Joel’s classic song “Piano Man” was originally crafted to be a pitch for a “Mega Man 2” character. → Read More