Alex Ruthrauff
Wonkette
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Past articles by Alex:
Why Does Trump Always Strangulate His Own Arm In A Torture Watch When He Golfs?
Detail from a photo (inset) taken Dec. 28, 2017 after Trump golfed, showing constriction of Trump’s arm. The above photo accompanied a recent article in the New York Times. An eagle-eyed Twitter user noticed that something was “wrong with his wrist!!!!” and commented, “Yuck”. I’ll leave it to others to mock Trump’s physical properties. Here I’ll confine myself to explaining what is wrong with… → Read More
Would You Realize This Report From Trump Country Was Satire If We Didn’t Tell You?
BASSACKWOODS, SADSYLVANIA — In this town, where Donald Trump won one hundred percent of the vote, the carriage is still King. Horse-drawn carriages put Bassackwoods on the map, and every hardscrabble American I spoke with here remains hopeful that President Trump will put the millers and wheelwrights back to work building the world’s finest mammal-towed conveyances, despite the cold fact that he… → Read More
EXCLUSIVE! We Wrote These Shocking New Donna Brazile Book Excerpts Last Night While Doing Laundry!
What juicy new revelations did we make up for your amusement? → Read More
Hello Paul Ryan, You Will Impeach Trump After The Tax Cuts, Yes?
Hope this proves persuasive. → Read More
Still Being Stupid About ‘Hillary’s Emails’? It’s Not Your Fault. We’re Here To Help.
Once more, with feeling! → Read More
In Total Coincidence, Georgia Destroys Election Data Days After Vote Hacking Lawsuit
They needed the server space for other stuff, we bet! → Read More
EXCLUSIVE: Unaired Script For Dana Loesch’s NRA Scare Videos!
Hopefully we stay one step ahead of Poe's Law on this one. → Read More
Of Course Trump Loves This Fucking Bonkers NSC Memo Calling For Civil War
Let's really, really hope this is the most insane thing you read about today. → Read More
Wrongly Held In ICE Jail For Three Years, Citizen? ZERO DOLLARS FOR YOU!
You know the classic joke, “What’s worse than being mistakenly locked in jail for three years?” And the very funny punchline goes, “When you find out you aren’t entitled to damages because the statute of limitations ran out while you were wrongfully imprisoned!” Please, laugh at this amusing joke for a time, but then calm yourself and absorb the sobering truth: this really happened to a guy, and… → Read More
White House Says Sessions Won’t Go To DHS, So Sessions To DHS Probably, Yeah?
Darnit, where did the Trump White House get the idea of moving Attorney General Jeff Sessions over to the Department of Homeland Security and replacing him at the Department of Justice with someone even more (somehow) willing to let Trump get away with murdering Rod Rosenstein and Bob Mueller? They got it from somewhere, because here’s ABC News reporting that “Trump aides” are pushing for it,… → Read More
Who Said It: Donald Trump Or Rwandan Hate Radio?
It's FUN GENOCIDE QUIZ TIME!!! → Read More
You’ve Never Had A Day As Good As Hillary Clinton’s Friday
If you were too busy losing your entire mind over "grab them by the pussy" yesterday, you might have missed that Wikileaks published what they allege to → Read More
Trump Tells Roomful Of Nevadans They Say ‘Nevada’ Wrong, Because Why Not At This Point?
He has the best words, remember? Donald Trump isn't your "typical politician" in much the same way that an empty beer can smooshed between two mummified rats → Read More
Hillary Thugs Rig Radio Idiot Michael Savage’s Mic, For Some Reason Forget To MURDERRRR
He, and only he, must be silenced. The following numbered list is a complete accounting of every American who has been silenced, censored, sabotaged or → Read More
Counter-Counterpoint: Okay Fine, Hillary Did Great, Please Don’t Hurt Me
'The Death of a Salesman,' by Duke Ellington This is a follow-up to my less-than-favorably received post yesterday, where I argued that Hillary Clinton → Read More
Counterpoint: Trump Lost, But Only Because He Hung Himself From His Own Dick
Loser. I was going to pass on writing about the debate because, as yr great Editrix pointed out in her #Slatepitch this morning, I was in the minority who → Read More
This One Chart Explains How Donald Trump Is Vile Beyond Description
Sorry, rules are rules. Donald Trump's much anticipated (so they say) speech on illegal immigration used the word "kill" six times. "Murder" came up three → Read More
Let’s Imagine: Jill Stein Treats Trump’s Physician Dr. Harold Bornstein
Dr. Jill Stein ascended the rope ladder to her secret medical tree house, where she practiced secret medicine. Hand over hand, clog over sensible clog, she → Read More
Let’s Imagine: Michele Bachmann Advises Donald Trump On Foreign Policy
Artist's depiction The helicopter soared over the Minnesota woods like a huge machine designed for that purpose. Inside were Donald J. Trump and his pilot, → Read More
Donald Trump Is Losing Because, At Heart, He’s The Class Clown
Earlier this week I had the unpleasant realization that I have something in common with Donald Trump. I was at work, and I cracked a joke that I shouldn't have → Read More