Bob Vulfov
Timothy McSweeney
New York, United States
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Past articles by Bob:
I Am Sick and Tired of Constantly Being Bullied for My Extreme Wealth and Political Power
“‘I could say I’m the most bullied person on the world,’ Mrs. Trump said in an interview with ABC News that was filmed during her visit to Kenya la... → Read More
Although He Has Made Zero Effort to Make Amends, It Is Time to Bring Steve the Masturbator Back to Our Office
Folks, I know I’m going to catch some flak for saying this. But, it’s time for me to bravely roll out the red carpet for our cast aside colleague, ... → Read More
After Hours of Tough Negotiations With Legal Scholar Rudy Giuliani, I’ve Decided to End My Special Counsel Investigation Into the Trump Campaign
“Rudolph W. Giuliani, the former New York City mayor and longtime friend of President Trump, will join the president’s legal team in an effort to ‘... → Read More
In Response to Our Beach’s Increased Number of Shark Attacks, We Will Be Arming Lifeguards With Sharks of Their Own
Our beach has recently experienced an unprecedented increase in deadly shark attacks and, as such, we’ve been forced to look for solutions. A shark... → Read More
List: The Metropolitan Museum of Art’s New Admissions Policy
“For the first time in half a century, visitors to the world’s largest cultural institution, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, will have to pay a man... → Read More
I Was On the Fence About the Homophobic Pedophile Senate Candidate, But It Turns Out He Also Thinks Slavery is Okay
When you come across a U.S. Senate candidate who also happens to be a homophobic pedophile, you can either immediately reject them or hear out the ... → Read More
I Am a Republican Politician and I Guess It’s Come to the Point Where I Have to Defend Pedophilia
Well, I guess this was bound to happen at some point. I was always willing to sacrifice my morals if it meant helping elect candidates who support ... → Read More
Just to Be Clear, the Witch-King of Angmar Was an Insignificant Volunteer in the Great Army of the Dark Lord Sauron
Thank you for joining us today, Middle-earth media. I’d like to start today’s briefing by addressing the recent news of the Witch-King’s indictment... → Read More
List: Ivanka Trump’s “Punk Phase”: Two Lists
“Ivanka Trump, in her mother’s new memoir, said she once had a “punk phase” in the nineties.” — The Hill, 10/17/17 - - -Ivanka Trump’s Favorite Pu... → Read More
Sure, I’ll Denounce Jack the Ripper, But I Also Feel the Need to Ask Why More of His Victims Didn’t Come Forward and Speak Out About His Behavior
I just want to make one thing clear right off the bat: I wholeheartedly condemn the horrible, disgusting murders committed by Jack the Ripper. Mr. ... → Read More
Yes, The Rabid Wolves in Our National Park Keep Mauling Hikers, But the Wolves Are All Acting Individually So We’re Not Really Seeing a Pattern Here
First off, our thoughts and prayers go out to the latest hiker who was mauled by a lone wolf in our national park. The rabid wolf in question acted... → Read More
Why Won’t You Just Let Us Pass a Health Care Bill and Kill a Few Million People?
Dear America, At this point, it’s just getting frustrating. Time and time again, our party’s leaders have drafted and presented health care bills t... → Read More
TMZ Coverage of Historic Celebrity Feuds
Cain and Abel The first two sons of Adam and Eve are at it again. Cain is FURIOUS that Abel’s sacrifice was better received by God and now, the bat... → Read More
Monologue: I Am a Successful YouTube Video Game Streamer and I Believe Racial Slurs Are Essential to Gaming
“YouTube’s best-paid star Felix Kjellberg, better known as PewDiePie, has yet again used a racial slur on the video-sharing site.” — The Guardian, ... → Read More
Boba Fett: Bounty Hunters, Not Stormtroopers, Will Save the Galactic Empire
First off, I’d like to thank the New York Times for giving me an opportunity to write an op-ed about the very industry from which I earn my ill-got... → Read More
As Your Doctor, I Am Protesting the Removal of Your Tumor Because I Don’t Want to Erase Your Medical History
“Sad to see the history and culture of our great country being ripped apart with the removal of our beautiful statues and monuments.” — @realDonald... → Read More
Maybe If Millennials Spent Less Time Eating Brunch and More Time Ravaging the Planet, We Could End This Whole Thing Sooner
Dear Millennials, Please take a second to look up from your Snapchat hot dogs and observe the world around you. Your lazy generation isn’t investin... → Read More
The Tell-Tale Trump
It’s true, everybody knows it! I am a fantastic president. Incredible. I’ve been very, very dreadfully incredible. You’ve never seen deal-making sk... → Read More
Welcome to Our Startup Where Everyone is 23 Years Old Because We Believe Old People Are Visually Displeasing and Out of Ideas
Hello, and welcome to our startup. We hope you’re enjoying your complimentary snifter of vaporized coconut water. Once you’re done, please place th... → Read More
My Name is Mitch McConnell and I Owe Thanatos, the God of Death, 22 Million Human Souls
Dear America, My name is Mitch McConnell and I am the Majority Leader of the United States Senate. As you may have heard, the health care bill I se... → Read More