Sam Weiner
Timothy McSweeney
New York, NY, United States
Contact Sam
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Past articles by Sam:
They’re Still Freedom Fries to Me
I didn’t forget, France! I didn’t forget how you turned your back on America when we needed you the most! To help us invade Iraq and destabilize th... → Read More
Why I’m Leaving Marvel Universe’s New York
I love New York City. I’m grateful for every moment I’ve had in this city of dreams. There’s no single reason why I’ve decided to move on, but ther... → Read More
My Stupid, Sad Quest to Grow a Beard
I cannot grow out my facial hair. But I tried like hell. → Read More
Your Mass Shooting Thoughts and Prayers Are Accidentally Going to the Angry God of a Distant Planet
People of Earth, S’nathrokhan here. I’m the God of a planet two galaxies, four dimensions, and nineteen possibilities away. Weird question… are you... → Read More
I Watched 15 Hours of 'Fox & Friends' and I Want to Die
Trump's favorite show is now five hours long and starts at 4 AM. I watched all of it for three days and it was INTENSE. → Read More
List: Who I Am, In Order
Christian Husband of Deborah, Father of Alicia American Firefighter Bassist for Fairweather Johnson, the Syracuse Area’s Best Hootie & The Blow... → Read More
Welcome to Hillcrest: A Non-Judgmental, Non-Denominational Church of the Serpent
Has today’s world left you feeling confused, scared, and confused? Are you looking for a community of love, praise, and service? A church that acce... → Read More
A Handwriting Analysis Laid My Soul Bare
And it was hollow. → Read More
I Wore Pheromones to Become a Sex God
Do the mysterious, unscented love-chemicals actually work? → Read More
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: List: Award Certificates for Modern Adults.
It’s only natural to be unhappy. The human body is just a bunch of easily broken bones, several useless emotions, a dozen or so organs waiting to ... → Read More
The Ten Commandments Rewritten for Our Modern, Perilous Times
Chances are, you're already following them. → Read More
This Contract Is the Only Way to Make Sure Your Friends Actually Like You
Sign on the dotted line, so I know it's real. → Read More
I Used Dr. Bronner’s Soap for Everything and Now I'm Ruined
Washing your dishes and your genitals with the same soap is weird. → Read More
What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?
Your Reaction? Sorry, but you can only react up to 3 times! Oops! It looks like you've already used that reaction on this post. → Read More
2016 Presidential Hopeful Ted Cruz Auditions For "The Simpsons"
Your Reaction? Sorry, but you can only react up to 3 times! Oops! It looks like you've already used that reaction on this post. → Read More
11 Foolproof Excuses For Getting Out Of Work
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If Taylor Swift Videos Were Inspiring Posters Turned Genderswapped Dr. Who Fanfic Turned Back To A Normal T-Swift Video
Your Reaction? Sorry, but you can only react up to 3 times! Oops! It looks like you've already used that reaction on this post. → Read More
How Accurate Is Your Horoscope?
Your Reaction? Sorry, but you can only react up to 3 times! Oops! It looks like you've already used that reaction on this post. → Read More
Sequels To Famous Poems
Just like blockbuster movies, great poems often get their own sequels. → Read More
You Never Noticed The Fine Print On These Common Signs
Read closely to see the hidden meanings you've been missing. → Read More