Wendi Aarons
Timothy McSweeney
Austin, TX, United States
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Past articles by Wendi:
Welcome to the Middle-Aged Restaurant. Please Stop Complaining
Our 16th most-read article of the 2022. - - -Originally published May 2, 2022. - - -Welcome to the Middle-Aged Restaurant, a place designed around... → Read More
I’m a Suburban Housewife Swing Voter and the Hunter Biden Porn Pics Aren’t Turning Me on at All
“The newly published ‘Twitter Files,’ touted as a bombshell report revealing the inner workings of the platform’s content moderation practices, sho... → Read More
I’m Wearing Tunics Now
This is an excerpt from the author’s funny new collection, which you can buy here. - - -You’ve probably all noticed that I recently switched up my ... → Read More
What the Hell Else Has to Happen for You to Get Off Your Butt and Vote?
Iced lattes become illegal, oat milk outlawed Every American citizen required to purchase a hundred dollars’ worth of My Pillows per month Christia... → Read More
Anniversary Gifts: Traditional, Modern, and I Just Binged Yellowjackets
First Anniversary Traditional: Paper Modern: Clocks I Just Binged Yellowjackets: Non-pond water served in festive flutes made from leaves. Second A... → Read More
Halloween Costumes We Already Have in Our Closet
The Two A.M. Instagram Shopper Paying-for-Two-College-Educations Barbie The Person Whose Fucking Pants Used to Fit Mare of Easttown But Worse Big E... → Read More
The Perfect Cocktails for Your Perimenopause Party
Not So Bloody Mary But also, surprisingly bloody when you least expect it. Gin and Tunics Leave nothing everything to the imagination. Martini V... → Read More
A Scene from Flowers in the Attic or from My Past Year in Quarantine?
1. I am sequestered in a room against my will with needy family members. 2. My world is ruled by cruel and powerful people who determine my... → Read More
Our Election Night 2020 Predictions
We will remain calm. We will do breathing exercises. We will forget to exhale, get woozy, and think we have COVID. We will swing between optimism a... → Read More
Dads of America, As Explained By Their Pants
Relaxed-fit jeans: Has answered the phone “Yello!” for 40+ years Wrangler jeans: Offered you sips of his Lone Star beer when you were six Athletic ... → Read More
List: Tribute Bands for Conspiracy Theorists
Flat Earth, Wind & Fire IllumiNaughtyByNature Fluoride and the Machine False Black Flag My Chemical-trails Romance The Mamas and the Papas Who ... → Read More
List: My 2019 Oscar Night Predictions
I will eat tortilla chips. I will drink wine. I will tweet something nasty about J-Lo’s gown while wiping salsa off my mouth with my sweatshirt. I ... → Read More
List: How to Turn Any Conversation Into One About the Midterm Elections
BARISTA: Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get you? YOU: Reproductive freedom by voting for Democratic candidates on November 6th. - - - COWORKER: G... → Read More
List: More Trump Cocktails for Every Occasion
Read the first installment here - - -St. Petersburg Iced Tea Troll Combine one Twitter bot, an American flag emoji, and a bald eagle avatar, then s... → Read More
List: Other Transportation Metaphors Besides “Helicopter Parent”
Submarine Parent You’re happiest staying well out of sight, but will rise to periscope depth if you smell weed or hear something break. Skateboard ... → Read More
The 6 Books Donald Trump Is Reading This Summer
As little as $1 a month ($12 a year!) goes a long way towards supporting our editorial staff and contributors while keeping us ad-free. Become a McSweeney’s Internet Tendency patron today. → Read More
Ferris Bueller’s Laid Off
It’s a beautiful spring day in suburban Chicago, and 50-year-old Ferris Bueller decides he just can’t deal with going into work. “I’m not well,” he... → Read More
List: Who Said It: Middle-Aged Woman or Teenage Boy?
1. “If I’m an asshole it’s only because I’m under siege from my hormones.” 2. “Yes, I’m eating again. Stop judging me. I’m growing.” 3. “My jacket ... → Read More
I’m Going to Close This Deal Using Business Words I’ve Heard Men Yell in Airports
Thanks for hopping on this call today, gentleman. Who just joined? Did someone just join? I only have a few minutes before I board my plane, so I’m... → Read More
Fifty Candles
Samantha “Sam” Baker, the lead character in the John Hughes movie “Sixteen Candles,” recently turned 50. - - -Samantha “Sam” Baker wakes up on her ... → Read More